Learn the hallmarks of a codependent relationship and what to do about it.
You can learn a lot about codependent relationships in the library, even if you aren’t in the self-help section.
In the fiction area, Romeo and Juliet features a couple who felt their relationship was more important than their own lives. Over in the history section, the wives of Henry the Eighth found that marriage to the self-absorbed king could lead to misery (or worse) if they didn’t produce the son he craved, says Tina Tessina, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, Calif.
Most codependent relationships don’t end in tragedy, of course. But they do keep people from living the full, rewarding lives they could be enjoying.
“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself,” she tells. “It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not,” Tessina says.
The good news is that if you’re a codependent partner, you can start finding a solution to the problem under your own power, too.
A Closer Look at Codependency
The concept of codependency was first applied to couples in which a partner has an alcohol or drug problem, says Scott Wetzler, PhD, author of IsIt You or Is It Me? How We Turn Our Feelings Inside Out and Blame Each Other.
But other issues in a couple’s lives can foster codependence, too. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership.
The other partner - who is the codependent one - then works all-out to try to “fix” the problem.
“For example, if someone is with an alcoholic, that being the most typical case, taking care of that person or kowtowing to them solves something in their own personality. They have a hard time leaving it,” says Daniel Bochner, PhD, a psychologist in Savannah, Ga. and author of The Emotional Toolbox.“They get locked into trying to save their partner or the relationship over and over.”
Codependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested, Tessina says. This may happen “in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one.”
Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup.
“Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control. The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so they get to be the person who is in control and thus is respected,” says Bochner.
“They can be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength,” he says.
Simply being in a relationship - even one that’s not ideal - may also be comforting, Wetzler says. “A lot of times, people have low self-esteem and say, ‘I’m no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to put up with this.’ These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.”
People who are codependent often grew up in a household with the same issues. For example, a girl with an alcoholic father could grow up to be attracted to people who drink too much, Tessina says.
“Their whole definition of love is codependent before they even start. Most people who didn’t grow up in a codependent atmosphere aren’t going to put up with it for too long. The ones who start with the impression that love is sacrificing for my partner and putting up with whatever my partner wants to dish out, they’re the ones who get deeply stuck in it,” she says.
Is Your Relationship Codependent?
Three simple questions can help you identify a codependent relationship, the experts says.
Question 1: Is this relationship more important to me than I am?
Love does have a selfless element, in which you want to make your partner happy. “I’m willing to give a lot for that person because I love them, but I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong,” Tessina says.
Question 2: What price am I paying for being with this person?
Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees its cost. For example, the price of her anxiety may be that she can’t fly somewhere fun for vacation, Wetzler says.
Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person,” Bochner says.
Question 3: Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?
If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, Tessina says.
Back from the Brink
If you find that codependency seems to be a factor in your relationship, can it be saved? Maybe.
Marriage counseling can help you learn more about the problems you need to work on together. Often, though, one partner - for example, someone with a drinking problem - needs individual counseling, Wetzler says. You may also benefit from going to a support group for people affected by someone else’s drinking problem, such as Al-Anon, Bochner says.
The moment that can nudge a relationship toward healthy change is the moment you decide you’ve had enough.
“Often the thing that gets an alcoholic to go to AA, or narcissists to get it that something’s wrong, is losing somebody. It’s ironic that the person who wants to stay there forever and give and give has to say ‘OK, I’m through. I’m done. I’m leaving,’ before the partner will turn around and say ‘Oh, wait a minute, I really do care about you,’ ” Tessina says.
Bochner has seen clients go through the same realization. “The willingness to leave is often what sets things straight. They have to get to a point where they have to save themselves by saying ‘I love you, but I have to take care of me.’ Then, sometimes, the relationship actually changes.”
