Anger management at workplace

With mounting performance pressures, highly competitive workplaces and a rat race to achieve too much too quickly, corporate India might just be running into some serious corporate rage problems, says Unnati Narang

With not too many numbers and studies to prove how much of it actually exists, corporate rage is a mystifying subject. Not just because it is hard to measure, but also because its adverse impact is more long-lasting than what appears on the surface. How bad can one guy screaming at another from his cabin be, after all? Why would the company care if employees are fighting, bosses are screaming and cursing at work? Trouble brews when all of this spoils the work environment to such an extent that productivity goes down.

What is the root of the problem? What are some of the reasons bosses go over the top in expressing anger towards their subordinates? "The primary reason for bosses to go over the top is due to stress at the workplace. Stress, if not managed properly, manifests into raging anger. A boss may also get worked up when they encounter disagreements with their subordinates. In many cases, bosses may not even be aware that their behaviour is received as "bad or angry" from the team members. If the boss's boss is an angry person, then the frustrations may be passed down to his/ her team members," says Karthik Ekambaram, assistant vice president, Consulting Services, FLEXI Careers India Pvt. Ltd.

"As young leaders fast track their careers, some important qualities - like patience and maturity - which come with age could get missed out, resulting in them succumbing to anger easily," opines Kanchana TK, executive director, Vantage Insurance Brokers & Risk Advisors Pvt. Ltd.

Given that the environment at work - in almost every industry - is so competitive, no wonder pressures and stress are likely to follow. But do they need to be expressed as anger always? Or are there positives associated with it too? "A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that people who were exposed to anger worked harder. This is true to a certain extent but cannot be applied to a habitual angry boss/ work environment. It can have a very negative impact within the team and the organisation as a whole. To face an angry boss everyday is a tough job. Life would be hell for anyone and would result in disinterest in the job and finally quitting from the organisation," adds Ekambaram.

Then again, angry bosses are everywhere. How do you control your own reactions to someone's anger? "The best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with the 'angry' person.

It is definitely difficult but it will allow the person to express his/ her true feelings. You should then calmly arrive at a solution. If it still persists, you should consult your HR or mentor, and see what best can be done in that situation. If that also doesn't work, then the last resort might be to simply find a new job. Nothing is worth the unhappiness of working with an angry person," advises Kanchana.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. So does this all-too-negative story of corporate rage and angry bosses. What's the positive side of it? "Rationalising the outburst of a person helps in controlling your own reaction, as per an interesting research done by Stanford. This process of rationalising is termed as reappraisal. Hence, if we can rationalise the anger of a boss with a reason, we are better prepared to handle the outburst.

The study also suggests that this reappraisal process can be used even if a boss is prone to anger very often and not limited to a specific situation or an incident. Organisations can play a big role by conducting workshops and sensitisation programmes on managing stress and handling conflicts/ disagreements," concludes Ekambaram.

Tips for facing an angry boss:
- Understanding the nature of the boss is very essential. Never address difficult issues when the boss is in a disturbed mood.

- An angry boss should not be responded to with the same anger.

- Approach your boss with data and clear statistics on issues where there has been disagreement.

- Set your expectations right and ensure that they are met as planned.

Father's love shapes a child's personality

A father's love contributes as much — and sometimes more — to a child's personality development as does a mother's love, researchers have found.

That is one of the many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood.

"In our half-century of international research, we've not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent an effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood", said Ronald Rohner of the University of Connecticut, who co-authored the new study in Personality and Social Psychology Review.

"Children and adults everywhere — regardless of differences in race, culture, and gender — tend to respond in exactly the same way when they perceived themselves to be rejected by their caregivers and other attachment figures", he explained.

Looking at 36 studies from around the world that together involved more than 10,000 participants, Rohner and co-author Abdul Khaleque found that in response to rejection by their parents, children tend to feel more anxious and insecure, as well as more hostile and aggressive toward others.

The pain of rejection — especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood — tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners.

The studies are based on surveys of children and adults about their parents' degree of acceptance or rejection during their childhood, coupled with questions about their personality dispositions.

Moreover, Rohner said, emerging evidence from the past decade of research in psychology and neuroscience is revealing that the same parts of the brain are activated when people feel rejected as are activated when they experience physical pain.

"Unlike physical pain, however, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years", stated Rohner.

When it comes to the impact of a father's love versus that of a mother, results from more than 500 studies suggest that while children and adults often experience more or less the same level of acceptance or rejection from each parent, the influence of one parent's rejection — often the father's — can be much greater than the other's.

A 13-nation team of psychologists working on the International Father Acceptance Rejection Project has developed at least one explanation for this difference: that children and young adults are likely to pay more attention to whichever parent they perceive to have higher interpersonal power or prestige.

So if a child perceives her father as having higher prestige, he may be more influential in her life than the child's mother. Work is ongoing to better understand this potential relationship.

One important take-home message from all this research, Rohner noted, is that fatherly love is critical to a person's development.

The importance of a father's love should help motivate many men to become more involved in nurturing childcare. Additionally, he said, widespread recognition of the influence of fathers on their children's personality development should help reduce the incidence of "mother blaming" common in schools and clinical settings.

"The great emphasis on mothers and mothering in America has led to an inappropriate tendency to blame mothers for children's behavior problems and maladjustment when, in fact, fathers are often more implicated than mothers in the development of problems such as these."

The results were published in the May 2012 Personality and Social Psychology Review, a journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP).

Parents of teens need to calm down

Life beckons your children in the truest sense after they're done with high school.
Parents need to take that tough decision of the kid moving away to study. But probably harder than taking the call is the ability to come to terms with that decision. Parents need to adopt pragmatic attitudes. Because at the end of the day, it's all about what's best for your little one. As much as you want them to remain cuddled up to you forever, they need to go out and broaden their horizons, discover shores and set sail. And you should let them. Parents get increasingly panicky with each passing month their kids are in college. Here are some things they could keep in mind to calm themselves down.

They need to grow up

You need to realise that this is only going to do your kids good. Not having you around all the time will make them more responsible and confident, mature and cautious. "In a sense it's greatly satisfying to see your child go out into the world. It's like all your hard work having borne fruit. You dream with him, what you've achieved so far becomes inconsequential. That he's leaving the nest ceases to matter, what's important is that he's learning to fly. And somewhere, you fly with him," says Vandana, ex counsellor, Behavioural Sciences, Learning Centre, Mahindra Satyam. Children should be allowed to make mistakes. Don't question their instincts or decisions; instead try talking them into deliberating a little more. It's absolutely great if they learn the hard way. They will cherish those lessons for life.

Let the phone be

Children need a lot of space and time in college. It's incredibly hectic, absolutely nothing compared to school. So calling them repeatedly will only make them paranoid. Instead try sending texts or calling in the morning or at night when they'd be relatively free. It would be a good idea to have them call you instead. Not only will this help them relax but also look forward to the conversation. Says Radhika, a second year law student, "I call my mom every morning before class. And we talk about three times a day. She knows my timings, so she calls only when I'm free. Also, I call her at a fixed time every day."

The over-indulgent parent

The affectionate parent whose heart melts at the slightest whimper from his kid probably needs more tips than the stern one who knows how to say no. Make sure you let your children know there's no way they can make a fool of you. You might not be there, but you're definitely keeping a tab on all that they do. They can have all the fun they like, but they will be held accountable for everything they do. They can go out for sure but they should be told by exactly when they need to be back and why you mean what you say.

Honey, where's the money going?

Money in a college circle is a sensitive issue. The child should always have enough to spend, for there are umpteen expenditures, some that are difficult to keep count of. Let your child know he'll never be deprived but there's a line he needs to draw for himself. He can't go overboard. Being careful with money is the most important part of growing up. Says Rohini, "I already know how much I can spend. Hence, there's no question of arguing with my parents." Ask for basic explanations if you find your child spending way too much. Don't try to fish out details of paltry expenses made by him.

Rediscover yourself

A lot of parents, especially mothers find themselves lost and aimless after their kids leave for college. Your entire life revolved around that one person, and now that you don't have to hover around him, you don't really know what to do. Use this time to do things you've been too busy for all this while. Go out, meet friends you need to catch up with, read, do up the garden. Sign up for pottery classes or any sport that interests you. Try and rediscover yourself. As Shalini, Associate Professor at Magadh University says, "To begin with, I thought the emptiness would take its toll on me. I then began to concentrate more on my work. In my free time, I took to reading religious scriptures and kept myself busy."

The balancing act

Lastly, remember that you have other priorities too. Your spouse and other kids need you just as much. Don't let the kids, especially, feel unimportant. For one day, they will also leave the nest. You don't want them growing up resenting you or their older sibling.

Parenting is difficult, and you learn something each day. Be ready to make your own mistakes, and let your kids make theirs. Just try and think of 'letting go' being as important as having taught them how to walk. Don't worry, have faith in your kids, and always remember that they're going to come back home to you at the end of the day.

Protect your child from sexual abuse

Our expert tells you how to protect your child from sexual abuse and cope with it

With increasing reports of child abuse, parents and guardians need to take a few elementary precautions and safeguard kids from becoming victims. And if anything unfortunate occurs, it is always better to spot the abuse symptoms at the earliest and put the child at ease.

Clinical psychologist Salma Prabhu says the first step is to explain the difference between good touch and bad touch. She says, "A bad touch isn't restricted to contact with private parts. It refers to anything that the child is not comfortable with; like cheek-pulling or a kiss on the face. The child must be taught to refuse this politely, as many wellmeaning aunties pull their cheeks affectionately. The parents must teach the child to create an alarm and run away from the place. There may be a few false alarms, but those risks have to be taken. If such an incident happens, say in school, then school authorities have to be informed. It is always safe to stick to the golden rule of not letting children talk to strangers."

Defining sexual abuse Child sexual abuse is not limited to engaging a child in a sexual act or inappropriate physical contact, but it also involves showing a child an adult's genitals or making a child watch a sexual act or pornographic material. From self-loathing depression to dysfunctional sexual intimacy, sexual abuse during childhood can scar an individual for life in many ways. Take precautions when children are around two years old and start going to play school, says Prabhu.

No reservations
The government's first national study on child abuse in 2007 showed that 53.22 per cent of the children surveyed across India reported one or more forms of sexual abuse. The study also confirmed our worst fear - a pervert relative abusing the child. 50 per cent of the abusers were known to the child or are in a position of trust and responsibility and most children had not reported the matter to anyone, the study found. Prabhu agrees that often a relative gets away with sexual abuse as the child is hesitant to talk about it.

"Lack of communication is the biggest drawback. The most crucial thing is to win a child's trust. So parents must take the effort to communicate in such a reassuring manner that the child feels comfortable to talk about everything; including their boyfriend/girlfriend," Prabhu says. If a child tells her parents about her friend who has a boyfriend and the parents ask her to stop hanging out with her, then that would be breaking the communication, she adds. "It gives the child a reason to work around things without keeping the parents in the loop. Parents must realise that friends, other than the family, are a very integral part of an individual's life."

Prabhu says that parents need to begin educating their children about sex from an early age, so that they can tackle sex pests better. "Educating your child about sex is a gradual, evolving process and considering the child's age and when you think she is ready, you should answer her curious questions. A lot depends on how well you have honed your communication with the child. It is high time parents quit being in denial. If parents feel awkward, they must consult their family doctor to help them discuss it."

Dealing with abuse
If the child falls prey to sexual abuse, then the family should avoid talking about it as that would only hurt the child further. Instead, take the child to a therapist. "The first symptom is that the child turns very quiet. He/ she will refuse to eat and will start losing weight. So, if this child doesn't open up at all to the parents, then the counsellor enters the picture." In such a situation, children should be allowed to cry their heart out, Prabhu says.

After building a rapport with the child, therapists then use psychological tools like:

Play therapy
Play therapy helps children cope with emotional stress or trauma, by allowing them to alter the world on a smaller platform - through their toys. When children play in a certain manner with certain toys, they play out their feelings so that they can deal with them.

When a therapist absorbs what the child feels, the child begins to free its repressed thoughts.

Projective techniques
Projective techniques such as the Rorschach or the human figure drawings help detect child sexual abuse. In a Rorschach ink blot test, a child is asked what the ten ink blots on white backgrounds 'look like' and why. Human figures help children express complicated feelings that may be hard to express. For instance, a sexually abused child will focus on genitalia in his or her drawings unlike a normal child.

Cat
The Children's Apperception Test is a projective test for measuring the personality traits and attitudes of children (aged 3-10), other than assessing psycho-sexual conflicts during a child's growing up. Flashing a series of pictures, the child is asked to describe the situations and weave stories around the people or animals in the pictures.

What the male pot belly stores

A lowdown on the ubiquitous male pot belly, the storehouse of diseases

Pot bellies ensure that the Indian male vanity takes a big punch in the stomach. But what is worse, is that bad health can be measured in the inches you notch up there. Gaining even two or four extra ones on your belly dramatically raises the risk of various illnesses such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and certain types of cancers. Doctors liken a pot belly, clinically termed as central obesity, to a five-kilo bag attempting to carry 10 kilos of tomatoes. Little wonder then that pot bellies destroy posture and spinal alignment over time. Of the two kinds of abdominal fat couching your mid-section, the subcutaneous fat, the one that you can pinch on your tummy, lies under the skin. The real culprit though is the visceral fat, lodged deep in your stomach around the intestines, liver and kidneys. This keeps growing to give you the pot belly.

Bariatric surgeon Dr Manish Motwani says like all muscles, the ab muscles are also isolated from the fat tissues. "The size and firmness of the ab muscles don't affect the fat that lies on them, but weak ab muscles may bulge outward, giving the appearance of a pot belly. The visceral fat, which is programmed to store energy in a state of famine, contributes a lot to the appearance of your paunch. Men are more likely to carry excess weight in the belly than women and hence end up with 'apple-shaped bodies', with a high waist circumference."

Belly basics
Studies have shown that a pot belly surfaces due to four reasons — genetics, food, stress and hormones. Heredity plays a key role in how easily you will grow one. You may be genetically predisposed to pile on kilos on your upper body (stomach) or lower body (hips, buttocks and legs). Your waist-to-hip ratio and the absolute waist circumference determine the severity of central obesity. Scientists maintain that our bodies weren't ever equipped to handle the calorie-heavy, overprocessed foods that are commonplace today. While potbellies, also known as beer bellies, are usually believed to be a result of drinking, sugar is also a culprit.

A pot-bellied person may be eating too many simple carbohydrates, such as those found in processed sugary foods, which, when not burnt, turn into fat. Stress from a bad workplace, an unhappy relationship or a difficult academic life triggers our bodies to produce high levels of cortisol, which drives up our appetite and makes us overeat, the fat again seeking shelter in our abs. Dr Motwani says, "A hormonal disorder such as Cushing's syndrome, which is caused by prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol, also leads to central obesity. Where the fat deposits go may depend on the lipoprotein lipase, an enzyme necessary for fat storage. Indian men have higher concentration of this enzyme in the abdomen and hence are pot-bellied." Besides, with age, a fall in sex hormones also causes men and women to develop a paunch.

Bust it
There's more bad news. It's next to impossible to actually target and spot-bust fat pockets. Crunches, for instance, tone the back and ab muscles and yet do little to burn the belly fat.

However, the upshot is that since visceral fat is metabolically active, it's the first type to burn off if you exercise regularly. If you can't find the time or inclination to work out, using stairs instead of elevators and getting off the bus one stop earlier and walking it up are simple ways to keep your fat meter in check. Studies show you can lose weight four times quicker by adding light bursts of exercise — up to 30 minutes in total — into your daily schedule.

Food wise
Even a small change can make a big difference in losing, maintaining or gaining weight on the stomach. So ditch the junk for a fruit when you feel like snacking.

Lesser-known foods that fight visceral fat are beans and spinach, as they make you feel full. Adding a dash of turmeric to your food fights fat and so does sprinkling some cinnamon, black pepper and mustard. Stay away from diets as they play havoc with the metabolism and the reduced caloric intake propels it to go into starvation mode.

Fitness expert Nalina Talwalkar's guide to paunch-busting
With men, the first invitation to a pot belly is drinking, especially whiskey and beer which are notorious for storing fat. Eating late or binge-eating with alcohol help the paunch grow.

Also, 80 per cent of Indians have irritable bowel syndrome and many develop stress-related constipation and bloated stomach due to either eating the wrong food or at the wrong time or both. Eat more veggies, fruit and probiotic curds to stay light. Don't overindulge and give the carbs a miss at night. Instead, eat small meals every two hours, six-seven times a day.

Spot reduction or specific exercises can't help you get rid of pot bellies. But for those who can't take time out for work outs, swimming for 30 to 45 minutes helps a lot as do skipping or jogging for 20 minutes. Once the body is warmed up after, say a run, sit-ups, legraises and crunches for at least 50 counts will discipline the belly and the body as well.