No such thing as the perfect mom

British psychologist busts myths on good and bad mothers, offering us a different paradigm to understand why our moms are the way they are.

What kind of a mother do you have?" asks Dr Terri Apter, psychologist, writer and tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge on the phone from her office in Cambridge, UK. In her new book, Difficult Mothers, Apter explores how mothers can influence our behaviour and offers tips on how to deal with controlling, angry, hypercritical, and emotionally unavailable ones. "I had a difficult mother, but I learnt to deal with her outbursts. I would dread to fail to please her. A mother-child love can be a huge emotional thing. A good relationship with a mother is a buffer against inevitable disappointments," says Apter, whose last book, The Sister Knot, was a finalist for Books for a Better Life Award 2008.

Research led Apter to discover that 20 per cent of parent/child relationships are characterised by difficult relationships. According to data from larger studies focusing on attachment, the percentage of difficult relationships is higher — closer to 30 per cent. "I looked at outlying cases, but the number of individuals who have these difficult experiences is high, and too often they are silenced by the cultural idealisation of mother's love. A child does not need a perfect mother. It's helpful for a child to realise that even in close relationships there is conflict," she says.

The Indian mother syndrome

"We all know of the Indian mother syndrome," says Apter. "She needs to oversee everything her child does in order to be a success and a credit to the family. The successes of the child belong to her rather than an expression of what it wants to do. She will not listen to what her child wants, but will only be guided by what she wants for her child."

Yet, says Apter, this kind of behaviour — which falls under the controlling mother category — is not culture specific. Control is expressed in different ways in different cultures. She gives the example of the controlling mothers who learn not to be controlling in Gurinder Chadha's 2002 film Bend it like Beckham. Both, the British and the Indian moms have fixed ideas of what's best for their daughters, "but the Indian mom learns to listen to her daughter and allow her daughter to express her own needs," explains Apter.

The problem with idealising motherhood

"Idealising a mother is a way of saying that she should be all-loving and always available. The other side to this idealisation is demonisation, when we believe that a mother who is not always loving or attentive or kind is a bad mother," says Apter. Once again, these idealisations follow different norms depending on the culture, even if certain qualities are universally agreed upon.

Apter offers a different model. "Instead of thinking in terms of good and bad mothers, it is more psychologically apt to think in terms of good-enough mothers and difficult mothers."

"A good-enough mother is a mother with whom a child finds more comfort than pain," says Apter, whereas a difficult mother "is someone, who presents her child with a dilemma. It's like, she wants to maintain a relationship with the child on her own terms, or else the child would suffer ridicule, disapproval or rejection." Apter describes some of the difficult mothers and the dilemmas they unwittingly pose to their children, and how to deal with them effectively.

Narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother's dilemma, says Dr Terri Apter is, "Either submit to my needs or be the target for my disappointment and derision." If you have lived with a narcissistic mother, then you are likely to have adapted either by some form of appeasement or by rebellion. This mother feels her kids need to be worthy of being her kids. She craves attention and love. Children often placate a narcissistic mother's fury and selfdoubt; or, they shore up her belief in her superiority; or, they lay their own hard-won successes before her as tributes.

Deal with it

Becoming a proxy for her is a difficult double act. You have to shine, but you cannot outshine her. You have to take centrestage, but you cannot ignore her. Always make a list of your own victories and don't let anyone take your high moments away from you.

Angry mother

The central dilemma of an angry mother is, "Respect my anger and see it as justified. If you try to protect yourself against it, then the relationship will become even more difficult." Sons and daughters who describe a parent's anger as unpredictable, feel constantly wrong-footed and constrained; yet, they also feel angry themselves, and wish their anger had power to do damage. A child can be overshadowed by unnecessary stress and fear. They may constantly placate others, or they may withdraw themselves from every conflict, because they expect every expression of difference or displeasure to escalate.

Deal with it

It's important to realise that some of the management strategies we adopt may be beneficial to dealing with other people and some may inhibit us. Children who deal with an angry mom need to be diplomatic, but not too pleasing; that would make them fake.

Emotionally negligent mother

This is the modern-day mother, who maybe highly successful and busy, or she maybe going through her own emotional trauma. The dilemma posed by emotional neglect is, "Accept that I cannot respond to you, or see me destroyed by your demands." A son or daughter who has experienced this kind of difficult relationship may think that their role is to regulate other people's emotions, protect them from despair, and see their own needs as unimportant. In this situation, the child becomes the nurturer, and is more grown-up.

Deal with it

Living with 'difficult' people can help us become better at dealing with others, but it's all too easy to allow an emotionally unavailable mother to take over huge amounts of your time and energy. Start to question some of the ways you behave and create new experiences where you don't have to be the comforter.

Controlling mother

This type of mother likes to take control of everything. A child's experience of such a mother is less about love and care, and more about rage, suspicion and criticism. Some controlling mothers believe that to raise a child to thrive in their culture, they must take control of them. This may lead her to become the "tiger mother" who pushes them to excel; or it may lead her to be the over-protective mother who shields her child from all outside influences. Children of controlling parents can become distrustful of their own needs and opinions. Even simple independent decisions can fill them with anxiety. They also learn to lie — to say what the controlling mother wants to hear — in order to keep her happy.

Deal with it

Sharing your worries will help you identify how difficult the relationship was and how it has affected you. However, going back to basics and identifying what you want and what you think in all areas of your life will help too. Take time to listen to yourself.

Jealous mother

A jealous mother presents the dilemma, "I will love you only if you do not develop skills and talents that threaten me." This mother doesn't like her child's confidence and is trying to put her down constantly. Mother's envy is a common trait but needs to be dealt with. Sons and daughters of an envious mother may see success as dangerous to close relationships. As children, they are often confused as to what is expected. Inevitably, they receive mixed messages. They try to please her by meeting her standards, only to discover she is angry at them for meeting these standards. Once they realise the underlying patterns, they may find ways of becoming high achievers, but they try to hide from others the extent of their abilities and successes.

Deal with it

There's a good side — your mother's dissatisfaction may make you a high achiever. But don't let her damage your self-esteem or make you seek constant approval.

 'True friend is a person who makes you feel lighter when situation goes out of hand.' - Dr Kurien S Thomas

Physical activity improves kids' test scores

Leading a physically active lifestyle may improve academic performance in children, a new study involving an Indian origin scientist suggests.

Amika Singh, Ph.D., of the Vrije Universiteit University Medical Center, EMGO Institute for Health and Care Research, Amsterdam, the Netherlands, and colleagues reviewed evidence about the relationship between physical activity and academic performance because of concerns that pressure to improve test scores may often mean more instructional time for classroom subjects with less time for physical activity.

The researchers identified 10 observational and four interventional studies for review.

Twelve of the studies were conducted in the United States, plus one in Canada and one in South Africa. Sample sizes ranged from 53 to about 12,000 participants between the ages of 6 years and 18 years. Follow-up varied from eight weeks to more than five years.

"According to the best-evidence synthesis, we found strong evidence of a significant positive relationship between physical activity and academic performance," the researchers said.

"The findings of one high-quality intervention study and one high-quality observational study suggest that being more physically active is positively related to improved academic performance in children," they stated.

They suggest that exercise may help cognition by increasing blood and oxygen flow to the brain, increasing levels of norepinephrine and endorphins to decrease stress and improve mood, and increasing growth factors that help create new nerve cells and support synaptic plasticity.

"More high-quality studies are needed on the dose-response relationship between physical activity and academic performance and on the explanatory mechanisms, using reliable and valid measurement instruments to assess this relationship accurately," they concluded.

The study was reported in the January issue of Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.

 "Add fuel to motivation each day to keep the fire burning." Dr Kurien S Thomas

9 Things never to say to your child

Being a parent is difficult and so is coming off as a proud child. It's only human to give vent to your rage by using harsh words. However, when the recipient of your outrage is your own child, it might have uncertain and unmanageable repercussions.

We list 9 insensitive things that you should avoid saying to your child.

1. I was much more responsible when I was your age
Comparing your child and giving him an example of what all you were capable of when you were a kid is the first big mistake parents make. Their irritation stems from 'expectations' - expectations of bringing up the 'perfect' kid. Try and recall your shortcomings as a child and what all troubles you bothered your parents with. You are the elder one in the relationship hence you ought to know more. A statement such as this will break your child's confidence.

2. You always end up taking wrong decisions
Don't penalise your kid for being immature. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and it is in fact a part of the learning process. He might have taken up a field of study that doesn't interest you or perhaps working with a company that you're not very proud of, but that doesn't mean you accuse him of the decisions. Your job as a parent is to guide him, not force him to obey your opinions.

3. Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?
This is once again an unreasonable comparison and a common one at that. Avoid seeding in animosity between your children by comparing their abilities. Doing so may create a fissure between the siblings. You don't want your kid to harbour negative feelings for you, hence avoid assessing your kids.

4. Leave me alone!
Adults have huge responsibilities to take care of, responsibilities that children are innocently oblivious of. And there are times when we want to be left alone too. Kids are incapable of understanding the gravity of such situations. An impatient outburst of 'Leave me alone!' can make your child feel neglected, unwanted and depressed at the same time. Show some patience and avoid saying something bad to him.

5. You should be ashamed of yourself
This statement is outright harsh and saying such an awful thing to any child is simply 'bad'. Yes, there are mischievous kids who go about pestering people with a devil-may-care attitude but that does not mean you reprimand him like this. There are better and milder ways to make the child understand the difference between good and bad.

6. You're just like your father/mother
Not all married couples are happy living together and the bitterness in their relationship often translates into exchange of unkind words against each other. Some relationships end in separation too. Either ways, kids are a witness to this mutual hostility and criticism. So when you shower your partner's animosity on your kid, that's when he begins to lose respect.

7. You always find ways to hurt me
There are times when children hurt their parents' sentiments by going against their wishes. Most times it is unintentional but there are kids who do so on purpose. However, saying something like the above statement would make your child feel guilty about his/her decision. He might comply with your demands to make you happy but you'd be taking away his right to happiness in the long run. Let your children take their own decisions and let them live a guilt-free life.

8. It's better to be childless than have a kid like you
The above statement is mostly an extreme emotional outburst but can have grave consequences on the kid. Unquestionably, it is the most hurtful thing you can ever say to your child. No matter what the crisis is, saying something like this could make you regret for life.

9. Get rid of the bad company of your friends
We (read adults) don't think before making friends. Neither do children. The only difference is that we know how to stay away from bad company and children don't. Their friends mean the world to them and therefore you cannot just order them to get a new set of 'good' friends.

"No cloud is so thick that the rays of sun cannot pass through." - Dr Kurien S Thomas

How to waterproof your health in monsoon

While Bollywood has romanticized the rains, Hollywood uses it as a cliche for depression.

But, which way your mood is headed, has little to do with the fact that rains and hygiene don't mix well. It's a cocktail for disaster that manifests as several monsoon illnesses and diseases every single year. You can avoid street food, empty out the flower pots for excess water, try to stay warm with hot chai, but is that enough? What about all the water, stagnant and flowing, around you? With the help of nutritionist, Pallavi Srivastava from Evolve Medspa in Mumbai, we draw for you the bigger picture of monsoon precautions.

- As a general rule, during monsoons one should avoid heavy fried or salty meals as these lead to water retention and bloating. It is better to have medium to low salt food.

- Regular exercise should be incorporated in your daily routine to stay healthy.

- As we know most of the diseases during monsoon are water borne, one should always keep their surroundings dry and clean. Do not allow water to get accumulated.

- Green leafy vegetables have a good amount of nutrients in them, so consuming them will complete your balanced diet. But make sure they are washed properly with warm water or with salt, to get rid of the accumulated dirt which is high during the rains.

- One can also blanch vegetables to get rid of the thriving bacteria and germs. Blanching slows or stops the action of enzymes, which continues even after the vegetables are harvested. It prevents vegetables from loosing colour, texture and flavour before serving.

- If vegetables are not blanched, the enzymes continue to grow during the frozen state causing toughening of vegetables; the colour and flavour also suffer. This is especially important if vegetables are stored for long periods of time.

- One should stay well hydrated, so drink a good amount of water everyday.

- Try to eat warm food. Don't eat less or too much. It is best to eat in moderation to keep the digestive system at ease.

- To avoid gastric problems like gas, acidity and bloating its best to eat a well balanced meal with minimal oil, and spices.

- Apart from this, personal hygiene should also be taken care of - Aside from daily baths, wash your hands before and after all your meals.

- You can also include raw garlic in your diet; garlic consists of anti-viral and anti- fungal properties that assist in curing cold and stomach infections.

 "Before pointing fingers at others, let's make our hands clean first." - Dr Kurien S Thomas

Are you afraid of being alone?

Some of us enjoy solitude, but there's a whole section of people who are terrified with the mere thought of being left alone? Purvaja Sawant finds out more

Though the concept of 'Forever Alone' came out of an exploitable rage comic character, who expresses loneliness and disappointment with life in an amusing way, in today's real world, this is no laughing matter. Whether you're single, in a committed relationship, or even happily married, the fear of being alone is one syndrome that can grip any individual, irrespective of his or her background. If you are constantly seen refreshing your inbox, randomly pinging acquaintances on your phone or start feeling getting restless when you are left by yourself for even a few minutes, you could be a victim of this syndrome.

Why are we so scared of being left alone?

Says relationship expert Dr Rajan Bhonsle, "We are living in an era of instant gratification. Right from instant coffee to getting information about anything, everything is available on a click. We just don't have the patience to wait. So the moment we are left alone, or find ourselves unoccupied, we panic, as our mind isn't trained to relax."

Thanks to the fast paced lives that we lead, with demanding jobs, family and social commitments, at the end of the day, we are barely left with any 'me-time'. While we all need a little mind space to get over all the happenings of the day — be it a deadline at work, or a fight with a friend — very few of us are getting or rather allowing that kind of space. We are so used to the adrenaline

Says relationship expert Dr Rajan Bhonsle, "We are living in an era of instant gratification. Right from instant coffee to getting information about anything, everything is available on a click. We just don't have the patience to wait. So the moment we are left alone, or find ourselves unoccupied, we panic, as our mind isn't trained to relax."

Thanks to the fast paced lives that we lead, with demanding jobs, family and social commitments, at the end of the day, we are barely left with any 'me-time'. While we all need a little mind space to get over all the happenings of the day — be it a deadline at work, or a fight with a friend — very few of us are getting or rather allowing that kind of space. We are so used to the adrenaline rush and excitement, that we cannot bear the thought of being alone. Like clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Varkha Chulani reveals, "We are afraid of our own thoughts. We want to escape from ourselves. Hence, we do things like randomly surfing the net, simply to distract ourselves."

Perhaps it's our constantly 'plugged-in' status on social media sites but we feel the constant need to be connected and when that doesn't happen, the feeling of being disconnected creeps in, which we term as loneliness.

Tip you can use
If the thought of being alone petrifies you to the extent that you become dysfunctional, get professional counselling - this irrational fear could also be a result of a serious, deep-rooted problem.

Ways to fight this phobia
Don't just master the fear of being alone but also learn to enjoy some 'me' time with the help of these pointers:

Keep that mobile at bay: Whenever you get time by yourself, your first impulse is to reach out for your phone and message or call someone. Just resist that temptation and pick up a book instead.

Indulge in a social activity - all by yourself: According to a study by Harvard University, when we experience things alone, we form stronger and more lasting memories. So go solo for a movie or musical!

Solve underlying issues: Face your problems, whatever they may be, instead of sweeping them under the rug. This way, you will be better equipped to face yourself.

Get in touch with your inner being: Whenever you experience pangs of loneliness, accept it and let the feeling pass.

"Fear can bring suffering and suffering adds gravity to fear." - Dr. Kurien S Thomas

Training mind first step to weight loss

Nutritionist Pooja Makhija says training your mind is the first step to weight loss. Here's an excerpt from her new book

There are no quick-fixes for a fitter you. Well-known nutritionist Pooja Makhija banks on this simple truth in her book eat.delete, and explains why the a good weight-loss programme doesn't begin with what's on your plate, but with what's in your mind.

Following is an excerpt from a chapter titled 'Understanding Willpower':

'I want to lose weight but I don't have the willpower'
If you think willpower is like a red-carpet event that admits only a select few, you couldn't be more wrong. Willpower is like love, compassion or wisdom. We all have it. Everyone's invited. Before you throw your hands up in the air and simply give up on your body, ask yourself this:

How long did it take you to drive a car? How long did it take you to ride a bicycle? How long did it take you to master a new gadget?

Remember when you got your first cell-phone? Sending SMSes were a pain in the neck, right? You typed slowly, got half the spellings wrong, and became best friends with the delete button. After a week or two, it was a whole lot easier. Today you can SMS in your sleep.

For the most part, willpower is a skill. It has to be strengthened. You have to keep practising. With every no you say to that gulab jamun, it becomes easier to say no the second time around. Or the fourth. The more you say yes to the pakodas being passed around, the harder it'll be to say no the next time. It's as simple as that.

But if it's so simple, why is it so hard?
To answer this question we must first understand how the human brain forms a habit. Habits start off as thoughts in your mind.

These thoughts set off a chain reaction within your body, which leads you to act on that thought. And what provides you with the ability to translate thoughts into action? That job is done with the help of nerve cells in your body, also called neurons.

Here's how it works: If you're looking at chocolate mousse for the first time in your life and are thinking about eating it, the neurons in your brain send information to the neurons in your spinal cord which in turn send information to the neurons in your hand, which takes a spoonful and puts it in your mouth.

From the moment you think of it to the moment you physically pick up the food and eat it, this chain of neurons works to translate your thought into action. This chain of neurons is called a neural pathway and right from opening the door to typing on your keyboard, every action you perform has a neural pathway of its own.

If you give in to the temptation of eating chocolate mousse the first time you see it, it establishes a weak neural pathway. But if you eat chocolate mousse every time you see it, the neural pathway gets stronger. With enough repetitions, eating chocolate mousse at sight becomes more and more 'automatic' and a habit is born. In other words, you develop a habit when the same neural pathway is used over and over again. In some cases, it takes just 10 days to form a habit; in other cases it takes longer. Whether it's skipping breakfast or eating dessert after every meal, when you've formed a habit that has made you 10, 20 or 30 kilos overweight, you have developed a strong neural pathway.

Now, imagine a weak neural pathway as a piece of string and a strong neural pathway as a piece of rope - which one is easier to 'break'? In other words, just as your mother told you, old habits die hard. That's why it can sometimes be hard for us to build our willpower.

But you're in luck. Good habits or bad ones, your brain is wired to make new habits all the time! The brain wants to make habits because any habit is 'automatic' behaviour. And automatic behaviour allows the brain to pay attention to more complex functions. So, whether you like it or not, when you repeat the same behaviour often enough, it becomes part of you. Can you imagine a life where your healthy habits are hard to break? Stay healthy long enough, and you won't have to imagine any more.

An excerpt from eat.delete: The Anti-Quick Fix Approachby Pooja Makhija, published by HarperCollins India

"Be motivated each day, without which not much can be accomplished." Dr Kurien S. Thomas

How to be a working class hero

Stop being an unsung martyr at work. Do these things to stand out and shine

In all likelihood, you are competent at your job. But while you have been slogging your butt off, you may not have been acknowledged as much as you deserve. It's never too late to start building a reputation and putting an end to your tragic, unsung hero saga.

Here are five effective ways of getting noticed by your superiors and colleagues:

1. Take initiative: Taking up work on your own is a certain way to getting in your boss' good books, like preparing progress reports for your boss without being asked to. So if you are doing tasks A and B, stretch yourself and wrap up task C. Your boss will know that you are paying attention and joining the dots by yourself.

2. Walk the talk: Considering how little productive work comes out of it, meetings can be a colossal waste of time. Instead of twiddling away on your phone or pretending to look interested in the discussion, you can speak up and make your view heard. Feel free to be the voice of dissent, as long as you do so in a polite, constructive way.

3. Know your colleague: Just as you care more for your loved than your coworkers, so do your colleagues. Getting to know a little about those who matter to them and your boss, is a great way to forge better ties. Sound genuinely interested to know about their family and close friends or else it might come across as forced. Likewise, be kind to administrators, janitors and the support staff. Acknowledge them by their name and don't call out to them across the work floor.

4. Take and give: Pointing out problems in others' ideas is fine as long as you offer a solution as well. Picking out mistakes may come easy but it doesn't earn you respect. Building things up is always better than breaking something down. Ensure your overall contribution remains positive.

5. Number game: Knowing your numbers is a surefire way to be sharp in business. If you thoroughly know your organisation or department's outputs, financials and other key numbers, you score an advantage over those who don't. Not only do they arm you with solid information for meetings, they also give you a good perspective on how things are panned out. This context helps you formulate your plans to the boss better and lets you see the bigger picture.

This also makes you the 'go-to-guy', just by developing diligent organisation. Make a note of ideas you come across or hear of, have a calendar posted in your area and jot down everything that you think can potentially be of use later. Even being the one with everyone's phone numbers taped up near your desk makes you memorable.

"Pleasing everyone is impossible but do not disobey conscience." Dr. Kurien S. Thomas

Most couples end up arguing on holiday

Going on a holiday is supposed to be a chance to escape routine and relax with your partners, but unfortunately it also seems to provide couples with the perfect opportunity to argue.

And most of the bickering starts before the trip has even begun, a survey has revealed.

More than half of couples fail to agree on a destination, while 37 per cent fall out over the frustration of the booking process.

Two-thirds of couples end up arguing once on holiday, with one in four having rows by the third day of their break, according to the poll of 2,000 adults by online travel agents Ebookers.

The most likely factors to cause arguments are money and how much time to spend together. Women most often blame alcohol for causing rows on holiday, while men get most annoyed if their partner eyes up others on the beach.

"The truth is we're working harder than ever before and taking fewer holidays. So, by the time we actually go away, we're exhausted and often irritable - the perfect recipe for arguments," the Daily Mail quoted celebrity relationship psychologist Jo Hemmings as saying

However, it seems the disagreements may be worth it, as 56 per cent of couples said they had returned from holiday feeling their relationship was stronger.

The poll also showed 74 per cent believe beach holidays are best for a romantic break.

"Best relationship can be best explained when two individuals learns to live with imperfection; perfectly." Dr. Kurien S. Thomas

Your food guide for the monsoon

Though the first showers of the monsoon bring relief from the scorching summer heat, however, they also bring some health issues like food poisoning, dysentery and cholera among others.

Here's a guide to what you should be eating in this season to stay healthy

-Drink warm beverages during the monsoons. Add ginger or mint powder to your tea or milk.

-Avoid eating street or junk food during the rains. Very few people have the immunity to handle bacterial overload at such places.

-Avoid eating oily or fried foods as they tend to cause acidity. Opt for tandoori or grilled options.

-Avoid eating foods with too much spice as this promotes bloating and water retention. Go for foods that have medium salt in them.

-Use plenty of garlic, ginger, pepper, turmeric, asafoetida, jeera and coriander while cooking as this enhances digestive power and improves immunity.

-Eat foods that are dry in nature. Makka, chana, besan and jow (oats) are very good for your health.

-Reduce the consumption of meat and fish and include more of vegetables, fruits and cereals in your diet.

-Honey is an excellent tonic that helps keep the intestines sterile. It also assists in digestion.

-Eat bitter vegetables like neem, methi, haldi and karela to prevent infection.

-Consume lots of vitamin C and citrus fruits to boost your immunity. Make sure that you are eating at home mostly during this time. Avoid eating out during the rains.



"Life is a celebration." Dr. Kurien S. Thomas

5 Hidden truths about motherhood

You've told everyone the good news and they've responded with unending advice. But there are some things your family and best friend are keeping from you

First pregnancies are a mixture of excitement and sheer panic. No matter how much you prepare, some things will catch you unawares.

Dreams of danger
It's never safe out there in the world. But after your little one arrives, everything will seem as alarming as a threat to national security. When friends or family reach out for your baby, you will visualise all the germs on their hands. Your heart will palpitate around smokers and car exhaust in traffic. You will spend hours wondering about toxicity in toys and chemicals in formula food. While you can't avoid this phase, don't feel insane. You will calm down shortly as you accept that you cannot humanly shield your child from everything.

The spotlight shifts
Those nine months will make you accustomed to being treated special by the family and friends. Everyone enquires about your health and brings home whatever you fancy. No one will tell you that you are allowed to feel upstaged after the baby arrives. But you are. Your role now is to feed and clothe the baby and put it to bed. And the baby gets the
attention, the gifts and the massages. Face it: you are going to come second now onwards. Forever.

Breastfeeding is tough
You think you wouldn't have to work at it because it is so natural, but breastfeeding is one of the hardest skills to master in motherhood. The baby won't latch on, you may not express enough milk, there will be sore nipples, blocked ducts and breast infections. Dealing with all this while weakened by hormones and lack of sleep will make you feel guilty and inadequate.

Get help from the doctor or nurse to understand the technique and don't give into the feeling that you are a bad mother. Take care of your diet and drink enough water, but don't worry. Inadequate breastfeeding will not turn your cherub into a psychopath.

Molehills become mountains
Before motherhood, you were a multi-tasking machine. After the little diaper tyrant comes, the decision of what brand of soap to use brings you to tears. You are tired, overwhelmed and bogged by the anxiety of how every little thing you do affects the baby. Let go of the inconsequential details and take help whenever offered.

You will become competitive
We want to treat our children as unique, complete beings and inculcate self-worth by not comparing them to peers. But even the strongest give into competitiveness. New parents constantly talk of milestones and this can leave one feeling inferior. You will also construe any delay in achieving the milestone as signs of disability.

It would be best to steer the conversation to lighter topics or observations about the children. Exit when the conversation turns into one-up-manship.

"Obedience is the mother of all sacrifices." - Dr. Kurien S. Thomas

Anger management at workplace

With mounting performance pressures, highly competitive workplaces and a rat race to achieve too much too quickly, corporate India might just be running into some serious corporate rage problems, says Unnati Narang

With not too many numbers and studies to prove how much of it actually exists, corporate rage is a mystifying subject. Not just because it is hard to measure, but also because its adverse impact is more long-lasting than what appears on the surface. How bad can one guy screaming at another from his cabin be, after all? Why would the company care if employees are fighting, bosses are screaming and cursing at work? Trouble brews when all of this spoils the work environment to such an extent that productivity goes down.

What is the root of the problem? What are some of the reasons bosses go over the top in expressing anger towards their subordinates? "The primary reason for bosses to go over the top is due to stress at the workplace. Stress, if not managed properly, manifests into raging anger. A boss may also get worked up when they encounter disagreements with their subordinates. In many cases, bosses may not even be aware that their behaviour is received as "bad or angry" from the team members. If the boss's boss is an angry person, then the frustrations may be passed down to his/ her team members," says Karthik Ekambaram, assistant vice president, Consulting Services, FLEXI Careers India Pvt. Ltd.

"As young leaders fast track their careers, some important qualities - like patience and maturity - which come with age could get missed out, resulting in them succumbing to anger easily," opines Kanchana TK, executive director, Vantage Insurance Brokers & Risk Advisors Pvt. Ltd.

Given that the environment at work - in almost every industry - is so competitive, no wonder pressures and stress are likely to follow. But do they need to be expressed as anger always? Or are there positives associated with it too? "A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology shows that people who were exposed to anger worked harder. This is true to a certain extent but cannot be applied to a habitual angry boss/ work environment. It can have a very negative impact within the team and the organisation as a whole. To face an angry boss everyday is a tough job. Life would be hell for anyone and would result in disinterest in the job and finally quitting from the organisation," adds Ekambaram.

Then again, angry bosses are everywhere. How do you control your own reactions to someone's anger? "The best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with the 'angry' person.

It is definitely difficult but it will allow the person to express his/ her true feelings. You should then calmly arrive at a solution. If it still persists, you should consult your HR or mentor, and see what best can be done in that situation. If that also doesn't work, then the last resort might be to simply find a new job. Nothing is worth the unhappiness of working with an angry person," advises Kanchana.

They say every cloud has a silver lining. So does this all-too-negative story of corporate rage and angry bosses. What's the positive side of it? "Rationalising the outburst of a person helps in controlling your own reaction, as per an interesting research done by Stanford. This process of rationalising is termed as reappraisal. Hence, if we can rationalise the anger of a boss with a reason, we are better prepared to handle the outburst.

The study also suggests that this reappraisal process can be used even if a boss is prone to anger very often and not limited to a specific situation or an incident. Organisations can play a big role by conducting workshops and sensitisation programmes on managing stress and handling conflicts/ disagreements," concludes Ekambaram.

Tips for facing an angry boss:
- Understanding the nature of the boss is very essential. Never address difficult issues when the boss is in a disturbed mood.

- An angry boss should not be responded to with the same anger.

- Approach your boss with data and clear statistics on issues where there has been disagreement.

- Set your expectations right and ensure that they are met as planned.

Father's love shapes a child's personality

A father's love contributes as much — and sometimes more — to a child's personality development as does a mother's love, researchers have found.

That is one of the many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood.

"In our half-century of international research, we've not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent an effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood", said Ronald Rohner of the University of Connecticut, who co-authored the new study in Personality and Social Psychology Review.

"Children and adults everywhere — regardless of differences in race, culture, and gender — tend to respond in exactly the same way when they perceived themselves to be rejected by their caregivers and other attachment figures", he explained.

Looking at 36 studies from around the world that together involved more than 10,000 participants, Rohner and co-author Abdul Khaleque found that in response to rejection by their parents, children tend to feel more anxious and insecure, as well as more hostile and aggressive toward others.

The pain of rejection — especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood — tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners.

The studies are based on surveys of children and adults about their parents' degree of acceptance or rejection during their childhood, coupled with questions about their personality dispositions.

Moreover, Rohner said, emerging evidence from the past decade of research in psychology and neuroscience is revealing that the same parts of the brain are activated when people feel rejected as are activated when they experience physical pain.

"Unlike physical pain, however, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years", stated Rohner.

When it comes to the impact of a father's love versus that of a mother, results from more than 500 studies suggest that while children and adults often experience more or less the same level of acceptance or rejection from each parent, the influence of one parent's rejection — often the father's — can be much greater than the other's.

A 13-nation team of psychologists working on the International Father Acceptance Rejection Project has developed at least one explanation for this difference: that children and young adults are likely to pay more attention to whichever parent they perceive to have higher interpersonal power or prestige.

So if a child perceives her father as having higher prestige, he may be more influential in her life than the child's mother. Work is ongoing to better understand this potential relationship.

One important take-home message from all this research, Rohner noted, is that fatherly love is critical to a person's development.

The importance of a father's love should help motivate many men to become more involved in nurturing childcare. Additionally, he said, widespread recognition of the influence of fathers on their children's personality development should help reduce the incidence of "mother blaming" common in schools and clinical settings.

"The great emphasis on mothers and mothering in America has led to an inappropriate tendency to blame mothers for children's behavior problems and maladjustment when, in fact, fathers are often more implicated than mothers in the development of problems such as these."

The results were published in the May 2012 Personality and Social Psychology Review, a journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP).

Parents of teens need to calm down

Life beckons your children in the truest sense after they're done with high school.
Parents need to take that tough decision of the kid moving away to study. But probably harder than taking the call is the ability to come to terms with that decision. Parents need to adopt pragmatic attitudes. Because at the end of the day, it's all about what's best for your little one. As much as you want them to remain cuddled up to you forever, they need to go out and broaden their horizons, discover shores and set sail. And you should let them. Parents get increasingly panicky with each passing month their kids are in college. Here are some things they could keep in mind to calm themselves down.

They need to grow up

You need to realise that this is only going to do your kids good. Not having you around all the time will make them more responsible and confident, mature and cautious. "In a sense it's greatly satisfying to see your child go out into the world. It's like all your hard work having borne fruit. You dream with him, what you've achieved so far becomes inconsequential. That he's leaving the nest ceases to matter, what's important is that he's learning to fly. And somewhere, you fly with him," says Vandana, ex counsellor, Behavioural Sciences, Learning Centre, Mahindra Satyam. Children should be allowed to make mistakes. Don't question their instincts or decisions; instead try talking them into deliberating a little more. It's absolutely great if they learn the hard way. They will cherish those lessons for life.

Let the phone be

Children need a lot of space and time in college. It's incredibly hectic, absolutely nothing compared to school. So calling them repeatedly will only make them paranoid. Instead try sending texts or calling in the morning or at night when they'd be relatively free. It would be a good idea to have them call you instead. Not only will this help them relax but also look forward to the conversation. Says Radhika, a second year law student, "I call my mom every morning before class. And we talk about three times a day. She knows my timings, so she calls only when I'm free. Also, I call her at a fixed time every day."

The over-indulgent parent

The affectionate parent whose heart melts at the slightest whimper from his kid probably needs more tips than the stern one who knows how to say no. Make sure you let your children know there's no way they can make a fool of you. You might not be there, but you're definitely keeping a tab on all that they do. They can have all the fun they like, but they will be held accountable for everything they do. They can go out for sure but they should be told by exactly when they need to be back and why you mean what you say.

Honey, where's the money going?

Money in a college circle is a sensitive issue. The child should always have enough to spend, for there are umpteen expenditures, some that are difficult to keep count of. Let your child know he'll never be deprived but there's a line he needs to draw for himself. He can't go overboard. Being careful with money is the most important part of growing up. Says Rohini, "I already know how much I can spend. Hence, there's no question of arguing with my parents." Ask for basic explanations if you find your child spending way too much. Don't try to fish out details of paltry expenses made by him.

Rediscover yourself

A lot of parents, especially mothers find themselves lost and aimless after their kids leave for college. Your entire life revolved around that one person, and now that you don't have to hover around him, you don't really know what to do. Use this time to do things you've been too busy for all this while. Go out, meet friends you need to catch up with, read, do up the garden. Sign up for pottery classes or any sport that interests you. Try and rediscover yourself. As Shalini, Associate Professor at Magadh University says, "To begin with, I thought the emptiness would take its toll on me. I then began to concentrate more on my work. In my free time, I took to reading religious scriptures and kept myself busy."

The balancing act

Lastly, remember that you have other priorities too. Your spouse and other kids need you just as much. Don't let the kids, especially, feel unimportant. For one day, they will also leave the nest. You don't want them growing up resenting you or their older sibling.

Parenting is difficult, and you learn something each day. Be ready to make your own mistakes, and let your kids make theirs. Just try and think of 'letting go' being as important as having taught them how to walk. Don't worry, have faith in your kids, and always remember that they're going to come back home to you at the end of the day.