Over-reactive parenting can affect kids

Children whose parents tend to become angry easily and over-react are more likely to act out and become upset easily, say researchers.

The research is an important step in understanding the complex link between genetics and home environment.

In a study, researchers from Oregon State University, Oregon Social Learning Center, and other institutions collected data in 10 states from 361 families linked through adoption - and obtained genetic data from birth parents as well as the children.

They followed the children at nine, 18 and 27 months of age, and found that adoptive parents who had a tendency to over-react, for example, were quick to anger when children tested age-appropriate limits or made mistakes.

These over-reactive parents had a significant effect on their children, who exhibited "negative emotionality," or acting out and having more temper tantrums than normal for their age.

Genetics also played a role, particularly in the case of children who were at genetic risk of negative emotionality from their birth mothers, but were raised in a low-stress or less-reactive environment.

"This is an age where children are prone to test limits and boundaries," said lead author Shannon Lipscomb, an assistant professor of human development and family sciences at OSU-Cascades.

"However, research consistently shows that children with elevated levels of negative emotionality during these early years have more difficulties with emotion regulation and tend to exhibit more problem behaviour when they are of school age," Lipscomb noted.

Researchers also found that children who exhibited the most increases in negative emotionality as they developed from infants to toddlers (from nine to 27 months of age) also had the highest levels of problem behaviours at age two, suggesting that negative emotions can have their own development process that has implications for children's later behaviours.

"This really sets our study apart. Researchers have looked at this aspect of emotionality as something fairly stable, but we have been able to show that although most kids test limits and increase in negative emotionality as they approach toddler age, the amount they increase can affect how many problem behaviours they exhibit as 2-year-olds," Lipscomb said.

Lipscomb said the take-away message for parents of young children and infants is that the way they adapt to toddlerhood - a challenging time marked by a child's increasing mobility and independence - can have an impact on how their child will develop.

"Parents' ability to regulate themselves and to remain firm, confident and not over-react is a key way they can help their children to modify their behaviour. You set the example as a parent in your own emotions and reactions," she concluded.

The study was published in the latest edition of the journal Development and Psychopathology.

Discipline children with creativity

Jumana Kapadia from a UK-based theatre company gives tips on how to discipline children with creativity and innovation

In the absence of a universal parenting handbook, parents often devise their own ways of disciplining children. Although it can be quite a task for parents, doing it the right way is even more challenging. While parents mostly resort to easier weapons such as screaming, slapping and telling them to do things a certain way, there are more ways than one to get the point across.

Recently, the UK-based theatre company London Talents were in the city to stage a show. The 50-minute performance addressed parents and teachers on how to make their children understand that sharing and caring are essential. Jumana Kapadia, director of London Talents, shares a few tips on how to role play to discipline kids.

Role play
Children have feelings and instinctive self-esteem. If you tell your child that he's selfish for not sharing his toy, and punish him by forcing him to hand it over to another child, you'll foster resentment, not generosity. Kapadia says, "To encourage sharing, use positive reinforcement rather than admonishment. Keep in mind that it's okay for your child to hold back for some time and he does not have to hand over his things at that very moment."

Acknowledge to your child that it is, or can be hard to share. "Instead of scolding or pulling it away from him to give his toy over, empathise with him/her. Tell them, 'I know it can be hard to share and your toy is very special to you, but you know your friend feels sad when you let him play with your toys and I am sure your intention is not to make your friend sad'" says Kapadia. For instance, if your child is used to sitting at one corner of the table most of the time, he/she seems to be taking ownership of it. Instead of asking them to get up and move, encourage them to be a character that they can associate with. This will boost their egos and self esteem. "Tell the little girl that she's a queen and that she should share her throne with others. This gives each child a feeling that they are important and that they are getting respect."

Feelings into words
Help your pre-schooler put their feelings into words. When they're not being generous, ask what's wrong. Kapadia provides a reference to the recent show. "For instance, there's a story where the girl did not want to give her boxes away to the boy. That's because each of her boxes had a specific purpose in the story. Some were hillsides, some were goats, one a river and the other a troll," she says. "To an adult these boxes may all look the same, but to the child each box has been invested in and is needed for the role they have given it. She has to learn to adapt her game to the situation. The situation is that her friend needs more boxes to build his bridge. Eventually, they help each other, share the boxes, build a magical bridge and they are rewarded with their own special troll and a goat box."

Use hand puppetry
If your child is thoroughly possessive about a toy that his playmate wants, chances are he's thinking, "It's either him or me". The concept of sharing the toy may not even have occurred to him. Encourage the child to tell a story using the toy. Kapadia says, "Ask the children to use their hands as puppets. Give each hand a character. Now ask the children to re-enact the story making the toy part of the story. For example, if they have building blocks, build a truck, use one hand as the driver and the other as its friend, and drive the truck to the child's friend." Once the blocks have reached the friend, chances are that the child may demand to have them back. Kapadia says, "Accept that a child's patience level is lesser than that of an adult. Tell your child, 'I know you really want to play with it, while you are being good and waiting, can I help you find something else to do?" Such a statement makes the child feel supported and understood, not abandoned. When this strategy is used, children are often happy to wait longer.

Explore their imagination
Kids running away from mathematical problems are fairly common. So if they have received a worksheet on simple addition and subtraction and are finding it tedious to work it out involve their toy and build a story around it.

Parents also often face the arduous task of running behind their child with boring healthy food. Presentation of food is your ticket to freedom. To tackle a fussy eater, present the food in a fun manner - create a hat out of a sandwich, introduce bitter gourd and chappati as a smiley face. Try eating with your child and build stories around food, sharing ideas. So a morsel of sabzi-roti can transform from a dinosaur to a rocket to sand to anything while it's on its way to your child's mouth. "While eating dal-roti, treat the dal like a river and the roti as a boat, so the child will have to dip the roti into the dal for each bite and treat it like play," she explains.

Brushing teeth can be fun
If your mornings are spent convincing the little one to brush its teeth, change their perception. Kapadia says, "If your child enjoys eating pizza, tell them that their mouth is a pizza base and the tooth paste is a sauce, and by brushing he/she'll be pulling out the toppings. Ask them to explain the taste. By making the conversation light and fun for them, you'll turn a difficult chore into a fun habit."

Tips for the Correct Exam-Time Diet

Dr Nupur Krishnan Clinical Nutritionist

During exams, students spend long hours studying and staying awake. Intake of the right food in small quantities with brain food will keep them stimulated and alert. During exams a little modification in eating habits is needed. Here are some tips...

A high level of phosphorus from processed food and soft drinks will deplete bone density and cause fracture.

Teach your children to eat slowly and savour each mouthful.

Try to have small and frequent meals.

Don’t reheat food — it will spoil the nutrients of food and release unpleasantsmelling sulfur compounds and may cause gas.

Ensure that the child doesn’t chew gum. The chewing action causes him to swallow more digestive juices, which will increase his hunger.

Children should have succulent fruits and vegetables because that will rehydrate the body and provide enrichment of nutrients and will not make them feel sleepy after the meal. Eg: A fruit plate with water melon, musk melon, strawberries, oranges, and sweetlime works well and for a salad plate opt for green cucumber, and zuuchini and salad leaves.

Almonds, walnut, pumpkin seeds cucumber and watermelon will help in improving memory and concentration. Nuts are full of DHA, which is needed in high levels in the brain and eye for learning and memory.

Starchy vegetables makes you lethargic and sleepy, so avoid potato, suran, arbi etc.

Try to consume light vegetables like bottle gourd or doodhi, Gelki, carrots, methi etc.

Chilled raita with fresh fruit or vegetable is great.

Instead of samosas, burgers, and namkeen farsan, opt for almonds, cashewnuts, pista, pumpkin seeds sukha bhel and chana.

Instead of aerated drinks try healthy fresh fruit milkshakes, lassie.

Try to combine large-chopped fresh salad (fine chopping loses nutrients) and healthy drink or fresh juices.

Avoid fried and refined foods (bread, maida products) which make you more sleepy and lethargic.

Iodine is very important. Have iodized salt.

Avoid too much of tea and coffee as they will cause acidity and heart burn.

Hydrate your body. Drink lots of water, fresh seasonal fruit juices Before exams good and sound sleep is very important. Keep yourself happy. Listen to relaxing music during study breaks.

Keep away from
Burgers, pizza, hot dogs, aerated drinks, sandwich, red meat & deep fried food.

Know when to say no

Sometimes children push themselves too hard while aiming for the skies. Parents, watch out for the warning signs and put your foot down. It will save your child, say experts

Pressure to win and be the best. Attending tuition classes. Intense training schedules. In a world of super achievers, children often find themselves at the burnt end of the rope. With constant peer pressure, and overzealous parents wanting their children to accomplish beyond their capacity, more often than not, a push becomes the shove.

A lot of times, peer pressure leads to children stressing themselves out over education, sports or other extracurricular activities. Nishi Mehta (name changed on request) recalls her son's mad dash to learn football, as a lot of his friends had signed up for the game.

"My son suffers from fragile bones. Football is an energetic game that requires a lot of running around and tremendous stamina. It also results in a lot of injuries, which he couldn't cope with, considering his condition. I had a tough time explaining to him why football was not his sport," she says.

Dr Bhupendra Chaudhry, Consultant Psychiatrist, Manipal Hospital, explains, "A lot of children put pressure on themselves after seeing their peer group and set unrealistic targets for themselves. They want to prove that they are super achievers. In such cases parents need to emphathise with the child and offer them an alternative solution." Like Nishi Mehta did after seeking professional help, which helped her to understand her child's strengths through some simple tests and signed him up for chess, an indoor game. "His analytical skills and patience levels were ideal for the game. Now when he wins chess tournaments, he doesn't feel left out of the success cycle."

As Dr Yesheswini Kamaraju, Consultant Psychiatrist, Fortis Hospital, says, "For majority of children, it takes time to know their expertise. If a child doesn't try out various options, he or she may be losing out on opportunities."

The red flags
Experts opine that most children and adolescents show warning signs when pushed beyond a limit. As parents, it is necessary to look out for the danger spots for damage control.
Common signs include
» anxiety
» mood disorders
» adamant behaviour
» anti-social behaviour

"Loss of concentration, being fearful in public situations, watching too much television or doing standalone activities should ring a bell," points out Dr Chaudhry. It is a common situation, when families or parents push a child so much it results in irritability and they want to escape the rigour. "In such cases, family sessions where parents are helped to evaluate and set expectations, understand their ward's temperamental attitudes is important," he explains.

Functional pains are another indication, points out Dr Kamaraju. "Abdominal aches, stress-induced symptoms, headaches, sleep difficulties can be a manifestation of the emotional turmoil that a child goes through in such situations," she says.

Remedial actions
Taking help from professional counsellors can help resolve behavioural disasters to a great extent, says Dr Chaudhry. Agrees Dr Kamaraju, advising the presence of school counsellors and therapists. Using the right language and helping the child develop a good self esteem after they've quit something is very important, she says. "Words like 'you won't get it, what is this rubbish' are very common in schools these days.

What a lot of educationists need to understand is that these words can affect a child mentally," she warns. "If a child wants to quit something, immediately after trying it, explain to them patiently that they need to give it some time before deciding to do so. But if he or she is
absolutely hell-bent on giving up or if it is a physical problem, then a parent has to realise that there is a difficulty and that they should stop pushing," Dr Kamaraju says.

Taking a break and then getting back to it if a child feels the inclination or interest is another option. Having the right role models to look up to and adequate supervision are also key factors to encourage a child to pursue certain goals, she points out.

Make your arranged marriage work

Match, set, go... easier said than done. Here we list tips on ways to understand your partner better
They say marriages are made in heaven. But then, there are also those made here on earth. Though an arranged marriage may feel like a pre-historic concept, such matches are still prevalent in society. Whether you marry someone you've fallen in love with, or someone your parents have chosen, as a couple you are bound to go through some ups and downs. It's just that if it's an arranged marriage, it may take you a tad longer to understand the thought process of your partner. If you are about to enter into an arranged marriage, here are some pointers you need to keep in mind:
Pre-marital jitters
Pre-marital jitters are very common among couples who opt for an arranged marriage. And if you're experiencing them, ask yourself what is causing the anxiety. Among the most prominent reasons is the fear of sharing space and adjusting to a relatively unknown partner. Then, of course, is the fear of how to deal with a new family; how much you'd have to change your behaviour to adapt to their thoughts and habits.
The best way to overcome this problem is by interacting frequently with your partner. It will put you at ease with your partner and also improve the intimacy between the two of you.
Never complain
An arranged marriage means more responsibilities and expectations. Both partners are under pressure to make the marriage work. Your partner may not share all your likes and dislikes and his/her family may not follow the same values as yours. You may be constantly corrected about the way things are done in this house. Relax!
Adjustment is the name of the game. Have a frank talk with your partner, list out your anxieties and figure out a way to do things without antagonising your new family. In the initial days of your marriage, don't take rude remarks or the seemingly harsh moves of your partner too seriously. Also, don't adopt the tit for tat philosophy. Stay away from troublemakers and look for allies. Also, don't complain or sound whiny to your partner. Remember, he/she is just as confused and nervous as you are.
The magic of love
Love is that essential ingredient that can help both of you overcome hurdles. If love at first sight hasn't happened, don't worry. It may take time, but you will grow to love each other. Even if you're in love already, don't expect your partner to immediately reciprocate the feelings. Give him/her time and work on how you can earn his/her love. Be patient and don't get frustrated every time your partner says or does something wrong.
Remember, marriage is like a whirlpool which takes one from a carefree world to a world filled with commitment and sacrifice; a world with love as its backbone.