Let’s make growing up fun

Balancing nutritional needs, adequate rest and replacing the word 'exercise' with 'activities' can bring a lot of enjoyment into growing up

You know how important exercising is for kids but are they ready to do it your way? Will they agree to go through your boring gym routine? Most probably not. What do you do then? India's leading holistic health guru Mickey Mehta says, "First of all it is important to switch the word 'exercise' with 'activity' and then make it interesting and fun for kids."

Daily activity: Fast-walking, jogging etc., work very well for kids and can be easily incorporated into their hectic daily lives. "Simple things like asking your child to take the stairs instead of the lift can work wonders," says Sunandita D, mother of a growing child.

Open up: After being confined to classrooms and travelling to and from schools for a major part of the day, children need to go out to open spaces. Games like chain, lock and key, catching the crook, kho-kho, kabbadi, tug-of-war, hide and seek, hoola hoops etc. can probably do more for them than your gym can. Kids should be taken to water bodies for swimming, rowing and water sports. "Their games should create a sense of excitement and non-aggressive competition - boot camp games like crawling on forearms, duck walking, getting into a gunny bag and then hopping a distance works well for kids," he adds.

Rest right: Children grow during sleep and it is important that they sleep for more than seven to eight hours say pediatricians. The 'early to bed' part is especially necessary. With demanding school hours, tuition classes, extra-curricular activity classes, they are drained and should be encouraged to sleep early rather than watch television till late in the night.

Nutrition needs: Along with exercising and activities you should make sure that your child has nutritious, wholesome food, says nutritionist Deepshikha Agarwal. "Kids do not eat the necessary amount of food most of the time, so it is essential to give them calorie-dense food so that they get required nutrition. Give them food while they are on the run - like salted almonds, walnuts and pistachios. Unsalted ones may not tempt kids much."

Deepshikha feels that food should always be within reach for kids. She says, "Always keep fruits on the table or counters, instead of fried and junk food packets. Keep flaxseed around in their bedroom; that will encourage them to snack on it instead of having chocolates or empty calories."

Breakfast well: Making your kids eat a healthy breakfast is important. Mickey says, "If parents think that giving them a bowl of milk and cereal is enough then they are wrong. Wholesome breakfast should include bananas, upma and poha, dates, figs, and stuffed parathas."

Divorce, depression plague Kerala’s youth

Even as God's own country boasts of a cent per cent literate population, the state tops the charts when it comes to suicide and divorce

Looks like God's Own Country is fast metamorphosing into the haven of two ominous Ds - depression and divorce. Statistics spanning over 2010-2011 point to an alarming increase in the number of suicides and divorces in Kerala. What exactly is happening to the state that announced its cent per cent literacy to the world years ago?

Till divorce do us part ...

Funny as it might sound, looks like special funds need to be allotted to set up family courts across the state, with the existing 16 teeming with divorce cases. For, anything from the partner's body odour to infidelity triggers divorce.

About 8 to 10 divorce cases are filed in each of these courts on a daily basis, reports say. From 8,456 divorce cases in 2005-06 to 11,600 in 2009-10, the statistics from recent months indicate only an increase in the number of broken families. Kerala accounts for 1.96 lakh of the nation's 23.43 lakh divorced or separated women. Says Krishnaprasad, a lawyer with the Kerala High Court, "When a woman registers a complaint against her husband, even on the basis of apprehension, he stands a good chance to get arrested. And once the arrest happens, where is the question of working out a compromise formula? It is their egos that will work out more than the compromise. There have been many cases where wives have misused the anti-dowry laws to blackmail their husbands."

The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act has many loopholes, lawyers point out. "It is a double-edged sword; 90% of people misuse it. Ironically, the law that has been intended to protect women have more or less boomeranged on them, with the number of sister-in-law and mother-in-law arrests also on the rise with this provision," they say. Interestingly, the capital city takes the lead in the number of divorces. As many as 6,000 divorces took place in the past few months alone in Thiruvananthapuram's family courts. Proposals have been mooted to set up one more family court in Thiruvananthapuram. The 18 family courts in the state had a total of 38,231 cases filed last year.

Most of the divorce cases filed at court are by couples who have lived together for less than five years. "Ours is a society where physical abuse of women is much less in comparison to other states; here, the reasons for marital discord are different - ego clash, economic independence, low tolerance levels, debt, drinking, infidelity and impotency - among others," says psychiatrist C J John.

Calling it a day...

Statistics show that more than 80% of suicides are committed by people between the ages of 15 and 59. It cannot be refuted that divorce brings with it a fair share of depression too, notwithstanding the fact that the social stigma attached to separated couples has reduced considerably over the years. "It is a fact that nearly 78% of suicides are committed by married individuals," says psychologist Balakrishnan, adding, "In many cases, couples can be talked into settling their differences amicably. Unfortunately, we do not have an effective counselling system in place."

Materialism makes people depressed

People who place a high value on wealth, status, and stuff are more depressed and anxious and less sociable than those who do not, say researchers.

They also indicated that materialism is not just a personal problem. It's also environmental.

"We found that irrespective of personality, in situations that activate a consumer mindset, people show the same sorts of problematic patterns in wellbeing, including negative affect and social disengagement," said Northwestern University psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen.

Bodenhausen conducted the study with colleagues Monika A. Bauer, James E. B. Wilkie, and Jung K. Kim.

In two of four experiments, university students were put in a materialistic frame of mind by tasks that exposed them to images of luxury goods or words mobilizing consumerist values (versus neutral scenes devoid of consumer products or words without such connotations).

Completing questionnaires afterwards, those who looked at the pictures of cars, electronics, and jewellery rated themselves higher in depression and anxiety, less interested in social activities like parties, and more in solitary pursuits than the others.

Those primed to materialism by exposure to certain words evinced more competitiveness and less desire to invest their time in pro-social activities like working for a good cause.

In two other experiments, participants completed tasks that were framed as surveys-one of consumer responses, another of citizens.'

The first experiment involved moving words toward or away from the participant's name on a computer screen-positive and negative emotion words and "neutral" ones that actually suggested materialism (wealth, power), self-restraint (humble, discipline), transcendence of self, or self-indulgence.

The people who answered the "consumer response survey" more quickly "approached" the words that reflected materialistic values than those in the "citizen" survey.

The last experiment presented participants with a hypothetical water shortage in a well shared by four people, including themselves. The water users were identified either as consumers or individuals.

Might the collective identity as consumers-as opposed to the individual role-supersede the selfishness ordinarily stimulated by the consumer identity? No: The "consumers" rated themselves as less trusting of others to conserve water, less personally responsible and less in partnership with the others in dealing with the crisis.

The consumer status, the authors concluded "did not unite; it divided."

The findings have both social and personal implications, said Bodenhausen.

"It's become commonplace to use consumer as a generic term for people," in the news or discussions of taxes, politics, or health care. If we use term such as Americans or citizens instead, he says, 'that subtle difference activates different psychological concerns,'" explained Bodenhausen

"We can also take personal initiative to reduce the depressive, isolating effects of a materialist mindset by avoiding its stimulants-most obviously, advertising. One method: 'Watch less TV,'" he added.

The study appeared in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

8 Embarrassing Sleep Secrets

If you're confiding in a friend about sleep problems, the conversation might turn to topics like not getting enough rest or tossing and turning at night. But what about things your body does during sleep - like drooling, snoring, bedwetting, or passing gas - that you might be embarrassed to talk about by the light of day?

For example, take Kindra Hall, vice president of sales at a network marketing firm in Phoenix. She admits that drooling excessively while sleeping is a major source of embarrassment, especially when she's been caught in the act. Soaked bed pillows and stained throw pillows are constant reminders of her humiliating habit.

"I'm very conscious about saliva control," Hall tells via email, "but as soon as my eyes are closed and I enter dreamland, all bets are off."

You might not even be aware of your sleeping habits -- until your bed partner clues you in. Sometimes, these behaviors are a part of the natural sleep process. Other times, what you might consider a nuisance -- like snoring -- could be a sign of an underlying sleep problem.

"It's important for people to realize what is a normal phenomenon versus something that needs further evaluation," says William Kohler, MD, medical director of Florida Sleep Institute in Spring Hill, Fla.

Here is the lowdown on your nighttime habits - why they happen and when they could be a sign of something more serious.

Habit #1: Snoring

An estimated 37 million American adults snore on a regular basis, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

Snoring is caused by airway narrowing and tissue vibrations in the nasal passages and throat. Snoring can be associated with colds and allergies, but can also be a sign of a more serious problem, like obstructive sleep apnea.

"It's not really the loudness [that's concerning], it's whether the obstruction that's causing snoring is also causing respiratory impairment at night," Kohler says.

The verdict: Snoring is a common problem, but if you suspect that it's disrupting your sleep, you should get a medical evaluation.

Habit #2: Drooling

Drooling in your sleep can be a normal phenomenon or it can occur in medical conditions that increase salivation, Kohler says. If you drool regularly, you may want to find out if you are at risk for a blocked airway at night or sleep apnea. The verdict: Drooling can be normal, but it can also be associated with other medical conditions.

Habit #3: Sleepwalking

"The odd things that happen in the night that get people's attention tend to be things that are scary or potentially dangerous, like complicated episodes of sleepwalking," says Helene Emsellem, MD, medical director of the Center for Sleep & Wake Disorders in Chevy Chase, Md.

"We should be paralyzed while we're in the dream phase of sleep. If there's a failure of the normal paralysis that protects us from acting out our dreams, then we can potentially be dangerous and inadvertently hurt ourselves or a bed partner," Emsellem says.

In extreme cases, someone might go into the kitchen, turn on the stove, and forget to turn it off without any memory of the incident.

The verdict: If you're acting out complex behaviors during sleep, it's time to see a doctor to figure out what's going on.

Habit #4: Talking in Your Sleep

Talking in your sleep, whether it sounds like a conversation or just mumbling, is usually harmless by itself. But screaming and yelling with intense fear are associated with night terrors, which are more common in children than adults. They occur during REM sleep, so you will not remember it in the morning. The verdict: Don't lose sleep over talking in your sleep.

Habit #5: Bedwetting

Bedwetting is embarrassing and distressing, but a once-in-a-blue-moon episode is not particularly concerning, especially if you're dreaming about going to the bathroom, Emsellem says.

However, repeated bedwetting could indicate a problem, such as nocturnal seizures. Bowel movements during sleep are unusual, Emsellem says, so one instance should merit a visit to the doctor.

The verdict: You can write off one bedwetting episode, but you should see a doctor if you have repeat performances.

Habit #6: Nocturnal Orgasms

Nocturnal orgasms, sometimes referred to as wet dreams, can occur on a regular basis for men and women, typically during REM sleep. That's a normal phenomenon that occurs throughout our life, Kohler says. The Verdict: Completely natural.

Habit #7: Flatulence

Passing gas can occur during sleep, but most people aren't aware of it. "It depends a lot on the GI tract and what you're eating," Kohler says. "There's nothing pathologic, but it can be embarrassing if your partner tells you about it." The verdict: Examine your diet if you're gassing up the entire room.

Habit #8: Twitching

When you're nodding off, you may experience a release phenomenon known as a hypnic jerk. Your body may twitch, or you may experience a visual or audio component like seeing flashing lights or hearing a popping sound. The verdict: Hypnic jerks are generally benign.

Time to Seek Help?

"For so many years, we've ignored sleep as being an important part of health," Kohler says. "We talk about nutrition, weight gain, weight loss, and exercise. Sleep is extremely important to our functioning. We need to be aware that both quality and quantity is important."

People also need to be aware of what they're doing while they're sleeping. So stick to this basic rule of thumb: If you're having a persistent problem that is disturbing to you or your bed partner, get it checked out.

Divorced young, found love again

Getting divorced at a young age is traumatic, but one can still start afresh and find love again

Recently, playback singer Sunidhi Chauhan announced her engagement to music composer Hitesh Sonik after a courtship of about two years. The 28-year-old says, she looks forward to being married and starting a new life with her fiance. This, however, isn't the first time Sunidhi has been down the aisle. Deeply infatuated and dedicated, she married her first love Bobby Khan at the young age of 18. Conflicting personalities and imbalanced expectations soon took their toll and the marriage didn't last for more than a year. It took Sunidhi 10 years of living life on her own terms and continuing to be optimistic about love to find Hitesh.

That hurts

The end of a marriage at any age is a traumatic experience, but it can be exceptionally painful if the couple isn't tempered by relationships and maturity. The heady rush of love that seems all-consuming has the strength to sway youngsters in their late teens and early 20s into making life-long commitments. By the time the implications are realised, it's often too late and the rift is irreversible. At the end of such a relationship, people are too scarred to give their love lives another chance and spend years trying to get over the emotional turmoil of their decision.

Don't rush in

For 28-year-old entrepreneur Tara Kaushal, love-marriage was a fairytale concept she bought into at the age of 19. Marrying young, she braved the concerns of her parents to take a plunge she soon realised she wasn't ready for. "My ex was 11 years older than me. At the time, the choices given to us were to either get married or break up. At 19, choosing to break up was a much harder call to take than to get married. We were in love. And he fit the right parameters - good schooling, right job, the works," she says, "but I knew I didn't want it when I got in. It wasn't the life I wanted." Their differences took a toll on the relationship and the two separated within three years.

According to Clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani, the biggest mistake people make when marrying young is to assume that it will last forever and focus on superficial reasons. She says, "It's not your hobbies that need to match, but your attitudes." For Kaushal, the realisation of the fairytale being flawed was hard to accept. "At that age, one doesn't have the understanding and experience of how relationships work in the real world. Everything was so disappointing. My biggest fear was that I might never be able to feel so 'in-love' again," she says. "Those looking at an early marriage should keep love and lust at bay and come up with a value checklist," says Chulani.

Know yourself better

It's always easier to make it work with someone who is similar. Try and analyse the nature and temperament of your partner and test them in different social situations such as with your parents, friends etc. See how they rise to the occasion instead of just meeting over romantic dinners. Acknowledging that a relationship isn't working is a hard call to take. And when the couple in love is young, it's often a debilitating experience. "Upon my family's insistence, I did try to go back and work things out once or twice, but I knew it wouldn't work out. He wasn't a bad guy, just the wrong one," says Kaushal. Post-separation trauma is often accompanied with the social stigma that people still associate with divorces. Chulani says, this transition period is essential to regroup with oneself. Take the time to understand yourself better and let yourself heal. "The most common mistake people make is to generalise the situation and say all men are jerks or all women are nags. Learn to access your contribution in the failure of the marriage. But be sure to attribute it to your error of judgement and naivety," she says.

A new beginning

For Kaushal, the transition was eased as she moved to Mumbai to start afresh. "While it was initially very traumatic, I never gave up on love. I came to the city very optimistic. Soon, I found a friend in Sahil who over two years became my closest friend. He knew my history and was never intimidated by it. We got married a month ago and I couldn't be happier," says Tara.

According to Chulani, it's essential to test and season your love. Put it through the test of time and see how it pans out. The danger of falling back in love is often as people are in denial of what caused the first relationship to drift apart and tend to make the same mistake, fall for the same personality type again without making amends. She says, "It's critical to selfevaluate and be sure of what one wants in a partner. Being vague about it is often what causes most relationships to unfurl. Learn to handle your baggage smartly instead of drowning every relationship under it."

How posture affects your looks

When you have good posture, you walk with more ease and grace. Think of all the beautiful divas you see on the red carpet and the silver screen, boasting long lean necklines, head held straight, shoulders square, not shrugging up or slumped down.
Tummy tucked in, back slightly arched, this automatically gives you a tummy tuck, boob-job and leaner waist. Instantly you will feel and project an air of confidence and of being alert.

Just by standing or sitting up straight, you change your physiology to one of instant confidence. It is impossible to feel low or sad, when you are upright and smiling. Try it now. How did you feel? You can do this in front of a mirror for added value. You will portray confidence and enthusiasm that is very very attractive. Slouch, slump and frown and see how you look - disheartened, bored, tired, old and fat. Try this, breathe, hold your head up straight, tuck your tummy in and smile. Notice the difference? When you stretch and lengthen your back this way, you instantly look leaner as well.

Bad posture is just a bad habit
Some women have bad posture because they are shy about the size of their breasts, in this day and age when women are flying halfway across the world and spending thousands of dollars to go under the knife to get breast enhancements or at least buying the most maximiser push up bras they can find, it is time for you to stand tall and proud.

Most people who think they have a fat tummy are just not standing or sitting right. Commit to having a good posture by visualizing yourself standing tall, shoulder blades back, tummy tucked in and head up straight. I am a short woman at barely 5'1" and improving my posture with my mum's help when I was younger and Pilates now, I feel taller than I am.

Bad posture is just a bad habit and in life coaching, I say that you cannot break a habit, you have to replace it. So pick an exercise that you will be willing to commit to. It could be Pilates or even the Alexander Technique, a famous regime that can help strengthen core muscles and re-align the spine. Commit an hour a day to exercise. Practice. Constantly remind yourself to to stand up tall and pull your tummy into your spine and actually visualize it. See yourself always standing or sitting in good posture. It is not something you turn on and off when you know someone is watching; you have to practice it all the time.

Looking good is not just about your face
Your body carries your head. It is how the rest of you carries your face and that is your body. A beautiful body is not just about weight, it is about how you hold it and how it holds your head up. Your posture shows the world how you are feeling and your abilities.

Research was done years ago at the University of Louisville, where 60 people were asked to rate the appearance of two women in a series of pictures - in some they were slumping, in others they were standing up straight.... Consistently, viewers rated the women who were standing up straight to be younger and more attractive," Some heavier ones were also perceived to be thinner just from the way they were standing in the pictures.

It is simple physics and optical illusions, when you scrunch, you make yourself look shorter and wider, and when you are straight and erect, you automatically look taller and thinner. A good posture helps you to radiate a sense of confidence.

Short, intense workouts healthier

A short and intense exercise could be more beneficial than a longer, more moderate session that burns the same number of calories, a new study has suggested.

Researchers found that the people who engaged in the most vigorous exercise reduced their risk of developing metabolic syndrome by two-thirds, compared with those who did no vigorous exercise, even when the total amount of calories per pound of body weight the participants burned while exercising was the same.

Vigorous exercise includes activities such as running and jumping rope; moderate exercise might consist of walking or going for a leisurely bike ride.

People with metabolic syndrome may have excess weight around the waist, difficulty controlling blood sugar levels, high blood pressure and low levels of "good" cholesterol.

Having the condition puts people at heightened risk for heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

The research showed an association, not a cause-and-effect link, and more work is needed to confirm the results.

Still, the findings suggest that vigorous physical activity should be emphasized as a component of public health guidelines regarding exercise, the researchers from Queen's University in Ontario wrote in their conclusion.

Current guidelines, including those from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, recommend doing at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise or 75 minutes of vigorous exercise each week, based on the idea that vigorous exercise burns about twice as many calories per minute as moderate exercise, according to the study.

But such recommendations imply that there are few health benefits of exercising vigorously, except that your workout may take less time, according to the researchers.

In the study, the researchers used data collected from 1,841 adults who participated in the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, which is an ongoing study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

For seven days, participants wore an accelerometer on their right hip during their waking hours. The devices provided data on participants' movements and exercise intensity.

In all, about a third of the participants had metabolic syndrome.

The researchers found that the more active people were in general, the lower their risk of having metabolic syndrome.

But vigorous exercise seemed to be more beneficial than moderate exercise.

Those who did 150 minutes of moderate exercise were about 2.4 times more likely to develop metabolic syndrome than those who did 75 minutes a week of vigorous exercise weekly, according to the study.

The researchers took into account other factors that could affect the results, such as participants' sex, ethnicity, smoking and drinking.

The researchers noted that the general public has an "apparent distaste" for doing intense exercise.

In the study, 70 per cent of participants did no intense exercise whatsoever, and even among those who followed current exercise guidelines, fewer than 20 per cent met the guideline by exercising intensely.

The study was limited in that the accelerometer could not be worn in water, so participants who swam may not have their exercise accurately measured.

The devices may also not have captured intense exercise requiring little movement, such as stationary biking.

The study has been published in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

Cancer has taught me a lot of things

It was a never-ending wait for Yuvraj Singh during his treatment in the United States. He longed to be home and wondered whether he will ever be back. The cricketer on Wednesday admitted the “scar” has not gone but nevertheless is appreciative of the transformation the struggle has brought in his life.

Yuvraj recalled how his days used to revolve around cricket but felt he will be playing with a lighter head when he makes his return.

“Earlier, I would spend my days thinking about my batting or bowling. You wake up and begin to think how to prove everyone wrong. There was a lot of popularity. But after this, I realised that family and friends are important, to be happy is important, money is important too, but what is most important is to be happy and healthy,” Yuvraj said.

“I have got a normal life back, where I am eating, sleeping and spending time with close ones. I know when I return to playing cricket, I will play with less stress and enjoy it more.”

Yuvraj, who has spoken extensively about his inspiration from Lance Armstrong, said he would like to do something for cancer patients in the future. “Cancer is out of my system but the scar remains. In future I will definitely do something for the people. It has taught me a lot of things. During my chemotherapy sessions, there were some elderly patients. They inspired me. I would think, if they can be cured, why can't I. In future I would like to work and make people aware of cancer treatment.”

Dr Nitesh Rohatgi of Max Cancer Centre, who has been part of Yuvraj's medical team, said the cricketer handled his chemotherapy quite well.

“He has managed to handle it remarkably well because of his positive attitude. He would be starting with a few exercises shortly.”

“He did suffer from a few side-effects of the chemotherapy but they are reversible like the hair loss. He is not on medication. Yuvraj's case will give a lot of people hope that can cancer can be treated if detected at the right time."

Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Learn the hallmarks of a codependent relationship and what to do about it.

You can learn a lot about codependent relationships in the library, even if you aren’t in the self-help section.

In the fiction area, Romeo and Juliet features a couple who felt their relationship was more important than their own lives. Over in the history section, the wives of Henry the Eighth found that marriage to the self-absorbed king could lead to misery (or worse) if they didn’t produce the son he craved, says Tina Tessina, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, Calif.

Most codependent relationships don’t end in tragedy, of course. But they do keep people from living the full, rewarding lives they could be enjoying.

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself,” she tells. “It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not,” Tessina says.

The good news is that if you’re a codependent partner, you can start finding a solution to the problem under your own power, too.

A Closer Look at Codependency

The concept of codependency was first applied to couples in which a partner has an alcohol or drug problem, says Scott Wetzler, PhD, author of IsIt You or Is It Me? How We Turn Our Feelings Inside Out and Blame Each Other.

But other issues in a couple’s lives can foster codependence, too. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership.

The other partner - who is the codependent one - then works all-out to try to “fix” the problem.

“For example, if someone is with an alcoholic, that being the most typical case, taking care of that person or kowtowing to them solves something in their own personality. They have a hard time leaving it,” says Daniel Bochner, PhD, a psychologist in Savannah, Ga. and author of The Emotional Toolbox.“They get locked into trying to save their partner or the relationship over and over.”

Codependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested, Tessina says. This may happen “in a relationship where only one of you is ever asking to get together or making moves toward the other one.”

Still, the codependent partner often finds some type of reward in this setup.

“Probably the most significant theme is a sense of control. The other person plays the out-of-control person, and so they get to be the person who is in control and thus is respected,” says Bochner.

“They can be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength,” he says.

Simply being in a relationship - even one that’s not ideal - may also be comforting, Wetzler says. “A lot of times, people have low self-esteem and say, ‘I’m no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to put up with this.’ These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.”

People who are codependent often grew up in a household with the same issues. For example, a girl with an alcoholic father could grow up to be attracted to people who drink too much, Tessina says.

“Their whole definition of love is codependent before they even start. Most people who didn’t grow up in a codependent atmosphere aren’t going to put up with it for too long. The ones who start with the impression that love is sacrificing for my partner and putting up with whatever my partner wants to dish out, they’re the ones who get deeply stuck in it,” she says.

Is Your Relationship Codependent?

Three simple questions can help you identify a codependent relationship, the experts says.

Question 1: Is this relationship more important to me than I am?

Love does have a selfless element, in which you want to make your partner happy. “I’m willing to give a lot for that person because I love them, but I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong,” Tessina says.

Question 2: What price am I paying for being with this person?

Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees its cost. For example, the price of her anxiety may be that she can’t fly somewhere fun for vacation, Wetzler says.

Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person,” Bochner says.   

Question 3: Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?

If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, Tessina says.

Back from the Brink

If you find that codependency seems to be a factor in your relationship, can it be saved? Maybe.

Marriage counseling can help you learn more about the problems you need to work on together. Often, though, one partner - for example, someone with a drinking problem - needs individual counseling, Wetzler says. You may also benefit from going to a support group for people affected by someone else’s drinking problem, such as Al-Anon, Bochner says.

The moment that can nudge a relationship toward healthy change is the moment you decide you’ve had enough.

“Often the thing that gets an alcoholic to go to AA, or narcissists to get it that something’s wrong, is losing somebody. It’s ironic that the person who wants to stay there forever and give and give has to say ‘OK, I’m through. I’m done. I’m leaving,’ before the partner will turn around and say ‘Oh, wait a minute, I really do care about you,’ ” Tessina says.

Bochner has seen clients go through the same realization. “The willingness to leave is often what sets things straight. They have to get to a point where they have to save themselves by saying ‘I love you, but I have to take care of me.’ Then, sometimes, the relationship actually changes.”

Preventing Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, sometimes called manic depression, is a mental health disorder that is distinguished by dramatic changes in a person's mood, from the elated highs of mania to the lows of depression. Bipolar disorder affects all ages, genders, and ethnicities, and usually has its onset in late adolescence or young adulthood. We know that genetics can play a role in the vulnerability to bipolar disorder, as researchers have traced the incidence of bipolar disorder among generations of families.

While bipolar disorder cannot be prevented, it's important to be aware of early warning signs of an impending episode of bipolar depression or bipolar mania. Early recognition of bipolar warning signs and seeing your doctor regularly can allow you to monitor your mood and medications and keep illness from escalating.

In fact, although treating bipolar disorder moods is critical, there is a convincing case supported by scientific studies that the prevention of further mood episodes should be the greatest goal.

What are bipolar disorder symptoms?

Symptoms of bipolar disorder can fall between two extreme mood states:

1.     Bipolar depression, which includes feelings of being sad, hopeless, helpless, and worthless

2.     Bipolar mania, which includes feelings of elation and exuberance.

In addition, people with bipolar disorder can develop mixed episodes, which are the simultaneous occurrence of a full depressive episode plus a full manic episode.

What are symptoms of bipolar depression?

Symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder may consist of the following:

·         Depressed mood and low self-esteem

·         Excessive crying spells

·         Low energy levels and an apathetic view of life

·         Sadness, loneliness, helplessness, feelings of guilt

·         Slow speech, fatigue, and poor coordination and concentration

·         Insomnia or oversleeping

·         Thoughts of suicide or dying

·         Changes in appetite (overeating/not eating)

·         Unexplainable aching

·         Lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities

What are symptoms of bipolar mania?

·         Euphoria or irritability

·         Excessive talking; racing thoughts

·         Inflated self-esteem

·         Unusual energy; less need for sleep

·         Impulsiveness, a reckless pursuit of gratification -- shopping sprees, impetuous travel, more and sometimes promiscuous sex, high-risk business investments, fast driving

·         Hallucinations and or delusions (psychotic features such as these may be involved in about one out of every two of cases of bipolar mania)

How is bipolar disorder treated?

Bipolar disorder is treated with medications to stabilize mood. If the mood stabilizers do not fully manage the symptoms, other medications may be added to help calm the mania or ease the depression.

Along with mood stabilizers, psychotherapy is recommended to help the patient develop appropriate and workable coping strategies to deal with everyday stressors and to increase medication compliance.

Can behavioral counseling help those with bipolar disorder?

Different types of talk therapy options are available to help those with bipolar disorder prevent or cope with a mood episode:

·         Individual Counseling: This is a one-on-one session with a professional therapist with experience in bipolar disorders in which the patient's problem areas are addressed. The session may include help accepting the diagnosis, education about bipolar moods, ways to identify warning signs, and intervention strategies to manage stress.

·         Family Counseling: Bipolar disorder extends beyond the patient and can affect the entire family. Families are frequently involved in outpatient therapy as they receive education about bipolar disorder and work with the therapist and patient to learn how to recognize early warnings of an impending manic or depressive episode.

·         Group Counseling:Group sessions allow for the sharing of feelings and the development of effective coping strategies. The give-and-take at group sessions can be the most productive way to change the way you think about bipolar disorder and improve coping skills as you face life's challenges.

·         Further Reading:

·An Overview of Bipolar I Disorder

·Understanding Bipolar Disorder

·10 Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Bipolar Mania

·Tips for Managing Bipolar Disorder at Work

·Medications for Bipolar Disorder

·Bipolar Disorder: Who’s at Risk?

·Bipolar Disorder Health Check - Take the WebMD Bipolar Disorder Assessment

·See All Bipolar I Disorder Topics

Can bipolar disorder be cured?

·         There is no cure for bipolar disorder, but through behavior therapy and the right combination of mood stabilizers and other bipolar medicines, most people with bipolar disorder can live normal, productive lives. That said, bipolar disorder is a lifelong mental illness that has a great risk of recurrent episodes. Being compliant to taking prescribed medications and keeping doctor appointments is crucial to self-managing bipolar disorder and preventing serious episodes.

·         In addition, there are support groups available for patients and their family members to help them talk openly and learn how to support someone with bipolar disorder. Ongoing encouragement and support are needed after a person starts treatment. In fact, there are findings showing that the availability of social support systems increases the chances of employment in patients with bipolar disorder compared with those patients without support.