It's that time of year when I'm inundated with press releases fanfaring new wonder cures for cellulite. My love affair with beauty momentarily stalls, my recycling bin overflows. A topical product – whether cream, gel, lotion or serum – can't possibly cure the orange peel dimples that occur naturally on almost every woman.
These indentations are simply the outward manifestation of fat cells. Cream can't dissolve fat, just as miracle bust creams can't produce it. I want to ask why, if a product really has the power to burn or grow fat, it is not being prescribed on the NHS to treat the morbidly obese or save severely premature babies?
In short, I believe cellulite creams are a nonsense. Furthermore, they create an extra neurosis for women where there needn't be one. I have never known a man who would be capable of identifying cellulite if his life depended on it.
The way to treat cellulite is with smoke and mirrors, or at least exfoliant and bronzer. A good body scrub, massaged on to dry skin (damp, if sensitive), then showered off, will remove dead skin cells to give a smoother texture, the illusion of firmness and a more radiant appearance.
