I only wanted to be a mother...
These poignant lines have been penned by a friend devastated by the recent death of her best friend, who at 39, and desperate to have her own baby, succumbed to complications arising out of a difficult pregnancy.
From freezing eggs and dialling for donor eggs to renting a womb and cashing in sperms from the sperm bank, there's an array of baby shopping choices that almost ensures that no woman has to ever go childless again. Unless, of course, the decision not to have one is solely hers.
So if you think you've missed the baby bus because you couldn't conceive naturally, or you let your biological clock merrily tick away, or maybe you've been on the shelf, and don't feel motivated enough to go male hunting, or you're simply unwilling to be in confinement for nine long months, worry not. Thanks to medical technology, a baby will still be delivered whenever you're ready.
But should a woman's very maternal desire to have a child be allowed to override all other concerns, including the fact that her health and even life might be endangered if she were to proceed with it? And is being a mother the most abiding definition of womanhood?
Eminent IVF specialist and fertility expert Dr Firuza Parikh says, "Being childless is still one of the biggest inadequacies that a couple may feel. The commonest phrase that I hear from women dealing with infertility is, 'Doctor, I feel incomplete and worthless!' There are very few couples who opt to be childless by choice. If you probe their voluntary childlessness, there may be coercion on the part of one partner." She continues, "I recall the sad state of a young girl who had to tell everybody that she detested children and hence did not want to conceive. The truth was that her husband was infertile. However, because of family circumstances they had to pretend to not want children."
Prerna, an IT professional in her late 30s, went through endless IVF cycles and corrections to help her conceive a child only to be told by the doctors that they'd tried everything in their armoury, and it would be best if she went for adoption or opt for motherhood with donor eggs. Initially, this verdict broke her. But a year and several counselling sessions later, they opted for adoption, and today, both parents insist that it couldn't have ended more beautifully than this.
But examples like Prerna are few and far between. Most women will flit from one doctor to another when told that theirs might be a hopeless case, or that a pregnancy might be life-threatening. Unfortunately, and invariably, someone in the lure of money or a misplaced sense of confidence in their own competence will accept such cases. Says Dr Nayana Patel of Akanksha Fertility Clinic, Anand (Gujarat), who's been featured on Oprah and CNN, "The instinct of procreating and motherhood is a very strong one. I'd like to give every woman a shot at motherhood, but in cases where I feel it endangers her life, or there's risk of a major complication, I usually draw a line, though someone else may quite willingly take up the case."
How does one convince women who fail to have their own biological offspring that they're no less a woman for not being a biological mother, and that being a mother is certainly not the be-all and end-all of womanhood? "When a woman comes to the end of the road, it is very important to let her know that she has not failed, but it is the treatment that has failed. It is important that she feels loved and emotionally involved with her near and dear ones. Getting back to her job and hobbies is very important. Sometimes adoption, donor eggs or surrogacy can be tried to fill this void," says Dr Firuza. However, as Dr Nayana says, "Some women refuse the surrogacy route because they want to be both biological as well as gestational mothers."
Like 34-year-old Heena Sondhi, who refuses to consider surrogacy or adoption options despite having gone through three miscarriages, with the last being near-fatal. "I want to experience motherhood. No 'weird' alternatives like surrogacy for me."
"Yearning for motherhood is very natural and normal, but there are times when a balance must be struck between one's desires and ground realities," advises Dr Nayana.
Because sometimes it's a matter of life and death, not a happy birth.
I am writing this for all those women like me who would go to any lengths to be a mother, knowing little what it can take away from them. My obsession to have a child has left my mother childless today!
