How does addiction affect children

The various addictions people get into, such as alcohol, smoking, drugs including marijuana use, affects children the most. The whole family suffers due to one person's addiction, but the effects of this become quite pronounced in growing up children. These children have to deal with chaos and an unpredictable situation at home, which could lead to problems in their own life in future.

Many researchers are delving into the lives of addicts to study the effects of their addiction on their innocent children, and how it impacts them when they grow up.

How Addiction Affects Children in the Future

Children who have an addicted parent, usually are at an increased risk of the following:

·         Learning Difficulties

·         Physical Illness

·         Mental Illness

·         Abuse

·         Neglect

The Effects in the Behavior of Such Children

The possible ill effects the children of an addicted parent face are:

·         Disruption of a Normal Family Life: The family life of an addict is bound to be far from a normal life. The children of such households will be witness to domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse, depression, mental illness, divorce, etc. There is every likelihood for these children to develop depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies. Most of the time, they carry these tendencies outside of their home and find it difficult to connect to their peers. They become withdrawn, secretive, shy away from making friends, so that they can avoid situations where their friends will know about the affairs at home or witness it.

·         Feeling of Neglect: Most of the time, with one addicted parent, both the parents will not be able to give any attention to their children as they are trying to solve their own problems. This results in the child feeling neglected and this may lead to depression or other psychological problems.

·         Risk of Turning Addicts Themselves: The children of addicted parents are always exposed to the object of their parent's addiction (alcohol or drugs whatever may be the case). Therefore, there is always a risk that the child too may try it out on the sly and get addicted to it in due course and may need rehabilitation.

·         Violent Streak: There is every chance of children developing a violent streak, as they may be constantly exposed to their parents' bickering or fights or being subjected to physical or mental abuse. This could lead to a situation where they land up in jail.

·         Misconstrued Value System: Children get their values from their parents. In the circumstance that they grow up, children are usually confused about what is right and what is wrong. When one of the parent is drinking (they say) to overcome stress or joblessness, children think that is the right behavior and behave exactly in the same fashion when they are faced with such a situation in future.

·         Lost Childhood: Sometimes, when the situation is so bad that the parents are least bothered about the basic necessities of the household, children are forced to go fetch for themselves. This way, they could become school dropouts and live without any structure. Sometimes, they become young adults by looking after their families. This way, they lose out on a regular childhood.

·         Low Self Esteem: In a household where one parent is under the influence of alcohol or drugs and very aggressive, children could become quite timid, scared, and lack self esteem. They will be scared of everyone and everything.

·         Lack of Trust: Since they grow up to be very secretive and shy away from friends, they neither trust anyone nor be trusted by others. This lack of trust will also reflect in their future relationships.

·         Guilt Feelings: Sometimes, when a small child is shouted at, he thinks the fault lies in him. This way, he will start blaming himself for whatever bad happens at home. This guilt feeling will come in the way of his future relationships.

·         People Pleasers: Since children of addicted parents are, most of the time, forced to please their parents, they could turn out to be people pleasers. They will try to please everyone around them, especially those in authority positions. Again, they lose their own identity in this way.

·         Their Future Relationships: Some children from such household may develop clingy behavior. For fear of losing their partner, they will go to any extent to keep the relationship going. On the other hand, some children, having seen so much of insecurity in their parent's lives, fear getting into any permanent relationships and sometimes show a tendency towards insecure relationships.

How to Tackle This Harsh Reality?

Children need a secure home to grow and flourish. Once you understand your addictions, try to take action in eradicating the habit. Once you have gotten rid of your habit, try to concentrate on your children's well being. The child may not exhibit very obvious signs of all the aggressive behaviors he has suffered, but take him to a psychologist see if anything needs to be done. May be put him in a rehab where he will slowly open up to the loving behaviors of the rehab authorities, and come back to the "mainstream" normal behaviors.

Effective Living Clinic

B-3/19, 0:1, Sector 3, Vashi

Navi Mumbai 400703

Tel: 9987223811 / 9969105310

www.effectivelivingclinic.com

10 Most Annoying Restaurant Habits

Eating out can be a great way to relax and enjoy some good food at the end of the day! But then again maybe not! Especially if someone in the group isn't aware of any basic table manners! From shouting at waiters, to making weird eating noises, here are some atrocious restaurant habits that are best nipped in the bud! Take a look and make sure you stay clear of these annoying habits!

Making weird eating noises
No one likes to hear the person across the table chewing every bite! Worse still, trying to talk while their mouth is stuffed! We’re sure that whatever they have to say can wait until they’ve swallowed that mouthful! Also nothing can be tackier than burping after a meal, right?

Getting up to grab food
So the waiters come and place the food on the table. Don’t you hate it when someone swoops halfway across the table to grab the dish first? How desperate! Why can't they just ask someone to pass the dish?!

Talking loudly
We all love a quiet sit-down dinner at our favourite restaurant which is why it can be extremely annoying if the person you are dining with seems to be yelling loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. Not only is this incredible embarrassing but it can be pretty uncomfortable for the people sitting around you!

Crudely beckoning the waiter
Getting the waiter's attention can be easily done by raising your hand and discreetly beckoning him over! There’s absolutely no need to yell out across the room or call him with a loud “Sshhh” or “Hey You!”

Eating off others' plates
You maybe starving and your friends dish probably looks mouth-watering but that’s no excuse to reach out and help yourself to someone else’s food! In fact, unless someone offers you their food, stay away from their plate!

Not watching your kids
If you’ve brought your kids to a fancy place, it's important to note that they are behaving themselves! After all, you don’t want them running around the restaurant while other people stare at you wondering what kind of parent you are! Get them to sit down and enjoy the meal with you in a civilized manner!

Ordering more than you can afford
Know how much you are willing to spend before you actually order! There’s no point ordering the most expensive meal on the menu only to discover you’ve forgotten your wallet... again! You’ll end up asking your friends to pay for you, and they sure won’t appreciate you for that!

Constantly answering calls
If you’re at an intimate dinner with friends or family, switching off that cell phone would be the best option. No one appreciates a person who keeps shouting into his cell phone throughout the meal! If you wanted to spend your night on the phone, you might as well have stayed at home!

Creating a scene
Always remember a restaurant is a place to relax and enjoy a good meal! So don’t ever make a scene by getting drunk, picking fights with the waiter or fighting with your own family members or friends in front of all the diners! Nothing could be tackier than getting yourself kicked out of the restaurant, that’s for sure.

Refusing to pay the bill
You’ve just had a lovely meal, some pleasant conversation and a great evening. But when it’s time to pay the bill, the foods too spicy, too bland or not the way you wanted it? Or you find a hair in your meal, so you need a discount? Well guys, the restaurant is not the place for you to bargain so don’t bother!

Bored in your relationship?

The day you first met, your friends saw the sparks flying almost instantly. You, of course, were too blinded by his rugged charm to notice. Then, he asked you out. The first date was a Sunday morning trek alongside a waterfall, followed by a cosy picnic lunch (cheese, wine, baguettes and sweet nothings) and then a night of partying. You'd found your dream match. But it's been a year now, and the very man who made you blush, now makes you yawn. You're utterly bored with the relationship and just don't care. So when do you know when your relationship has lost its fizz? We show you the signs:

You don't meet half as often as you used to. He prefers to work on mysterious files that always need to be submitted 'right away'.

Even when you do meet, there's little to say. You discuss the weather and stop.

You feel you're in a long-distance relationship, even when he's sitting right across the table from you.

When you think of him, there is no warm 'n' fuzzy feeling. Instead, you fantasise about chocolate.

Yes, you do get physically intimate, but there's no more hand-holding or cute pecking on the cheeks.

At the end of a date, you hope he doesn't want to meet the next day too. You'd rather sleep or read a book.

He's meeting his ex-girlfriend (the one you used to hate with a vengeance) for dinner. You either forget that he's meeting her or even if you remember, it doesn't strike you to be the least bit jealous.

When he suggests an outing, you end up roping in all your common friends. What can the two of you possibly talk about alone anyway?

6 Marriage Mistakes for Men

Men, we don’t mean to nag, but you may be making mistakes that risk ruining your marriage. In fact, if you are a typical man, you are likely making several, and making them often.

Don’t believe us? Ask your wife. Now, before you get all defensive, this isn't about blame. These aren't ridiculous relationship mistakes -- they're the subtle things that you might not even know you're doing. And changing these habits could make a big difference to your wife -- and that can only be good for you.

Recognizing these mistakes and making efforts to correct them will not only help your marriage, it may also help your health -- and that of your spouse.

Over time, negative feelings in a relationship that aren't addressed can lead to physical and psychological problems, says Silver Spring, Md.-based psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, PhD.

“Stress develops in the relationship for each partner, though for different reasons,” she says. “Typically by the time that a couple comes into treatment this stress has triggered anxiety or depression in one or both of them.”

Below are several common mistakes that men make with their wives, how to recognize them, and – most important – what you can do to correct them.

1. Not showing empathy.

Empathy is the most important part of any relationship, says psychologist Albert Maslow, PhD. It’s the ability to recognize and share someone else’s feelings. And it’s something that, in general, women are better at than men. “Women want their feelings to be understood and validated,” says Maslow, who has a private practice in Crozet, Va. “Men have to discover this.”

Rather than simply listening, though, men tend to go into fix-it mode. That’s a mistake.

“If your wife tells you she feels ignored, for example, at that moment what she wants is for you to understand her feelings rather than talk about the facts,” Maslow says.

2. Reckless spending.

Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no, Vanderhorst says. In fact, she ranks it second only to infidelity when it comes to marriage-busting mistakes. And, she says, “Men tend to do it a lot.”

Why? Consciously or unconsciously, men frequently assign themselves the leadership role in the relationship. That, too, is a mistake, Vanderhorst says. “A couple’s relationship is a shared leadership position,” she says.

3. Being sexually selfish -- or clueless.

In the bedroom, men forget – or, worse, haven’t figured out – that their wives often need more than they do to get turned on, Maslow says.

“Affection, making her feel loved and needed -- that’s basic for her to feel aroused,” Maslow says. “Older men usually catch on, but young men are especially unaware of this.”

Vanderhorst says turning a woman on begins well before the lights go down. “Men perceive sex as a sufficient means of being close, of having a connection,” she says. “But women want a connection prior to having sex.”

4. Listening the wrong way.

Listening does not mean nodding along as your wife explains what is bothering her, all the while thinking up ways to fix the problem. “Men tend to analyze situations and generate options,” Vanderhorst says. “That’s guaranteed to make your wife go ballistic.”

What she most often wants is to talk things out, and she wants you to be actively engaged in the conversation, not by trying to be the hero and save the day, but by demonstrating an interest in what she is saying and caring about what she is experiencing emotionally, Vanderhorst says.

“This is not passive,” she says. “Listening to establish a connection is an active process.”

5. Shelving your feelings.

Listening to your wife talk about her feelings is essential. So is talking about your own.

Many men, however, think they need to hide their feelings or risk being seen as weak. That’s a mistake.

Not sharing your emotions can be a real downer for your wife, Maslow says. “The woman feels like she’s missing a close connection that she wants with her husband. When he’s withdrawn, she feels like he is leaving her.”

Maslow acknowledges that getting men to open up can be difficult, but he also says it shows strength. “Growing up, a man learns that he can’t let others know when he’s scared. But opening up is taking a risk, and that takes courage.”

6. Going on a power trip.

Being a man does not mean being in charge – many men don’t get that. “That’s one of the mistakes men often make,” Maslow says. “They try to get what they want by being dominant. But it’s not about making demands or trying to overpower her. Women will pull away from that.”

Vanderhorst agrees. She says that the “power position” that men often put themselves in essentially negates the relationship, which must be reciprocal, supportive, and caring. “Our best selves emerge in the context of our relationships with others and not as an independent entity,” she says.

Anger,Hostility,and Violent Behavior

Anger signals your body to prepare for a fight. This reaction is commonly classified as "fight or flight." When you get angry, adrenaline and other hormones are released into the bloodstream, then your blood pressure goes up, your heart beats faster, and you breathe faster.

Many people mistakenly believe that anger is always a bad emotion and that expressing anger is not okay. In reality, anger can be a normal response to everyday events. It is the right response to any situation that is a real threat. Anger can be a positive driving force behind our actions. Anger can also be a symptom of something else, depending on how often a person feels angry and how angry the person feels.

Hostility is being ready for a fight all the time. Hostile people are often stubborn, impatient, hotheaded, or have an "attitude." They are frequently in fights or may say they feel like hitting something or someone. Hostility isolates you from other people.

Anger and constant hostility keep your blood pressure high and increase your chances of having another health problem, such as depression, heart attack, or a stroke.

Teens who say they often feel angry and hostile also more often feel anxious, stressed, sad, and fatigued. They have more problems with alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, and eating disorders than teens who do not have high levels of anger.

Violent behavior often begins with verbal threats or relatively minor incidents, but over time it can involve physical harm. Violent behavior is very damaging, both physically and emotionally. Violent behavior can include physical, verbal, or sexual abuse of an intimate partner (domestic violence), a child (child abuse), or an older adult (elder abuse).

Violence causes more injury and death in children, teenagers, and young adults than infectious disease, cancer, or birth defects. Murder, suicide, and violent injury are the leading causes of death in children. Violence with guns is one of the leading causes of death of children and teenagers in the United States.

If you are angry, hostile, or have violent behavior, it is important to find help. You can learn ways to control your feelings and actions. Contact Effective Living Clinic at 9987223811 / 9969105310 or write at info@effectivelivingclinic.com to help you find the help you need.

Use the Check Your Symptoms section to decide if and when you should see a doctor.

Would you fake a girlfriend?

The single status is often looked upon with disdain by both men and women. It's no wonder that people are afraid to acknowledge it and end up resorting to different methods to ensure they get rid of the tag of 'singledom'.

In fact, according to a daily in China, some men even hire a real-life fake girlfriend for an occasion. This demand increases especially before the Chinese New Year, where men would rather fake being in a relationship to their family than admit being 'single'. While a site that allows you to create a profile of your 'fake girlfriend' has been around for a while, the latest entrant on this front is a new texting service on the net where you sign up to have your 'girlfriend' send you fake SMSes.
As per the instructions listed on site, all you need to do is save the fake girlfriend number on your phone under a fictitious name. Then, when you're out with the woman you are interested in, just text that number. They will then send you "a random girlfriend-esque message".

Nobody wants to be lonely
Actor Rahul Dev says, "Men are scared of being rejected. That's the reason they would subscribe to such a service. Nobody wants to be told they aren't good enough, so they will pretend to be 'wanted' by the opposite sex in front of their buddies. Jealousy can make you do strange stuff."
Mehar Bhasin, a former model and grooming expert, adds, "This concept takes jealousy to the next level. It's like the man is trying to appear 'uber cool' to his girlfriend by showing off that he's much in demand, and she's lucky to have him. In China and Japan, break-up experts are being hired to tell the partner that the relationship is off. Personally, I wouldn't try to make my partner jealous by going that far."

"It's all about the ego," Dr Kurien S Thomas, clinical psychologist, says. "Some guys may opt for this as it gives them an ego boost and a false sense of security. It takes away the emotional stress that they go through because of peer pressure for not being able to find a girl who appreciates them for who they are."
Clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany adds, "I had a patient who came to me and told me he tried something similar to win over his girlfriend. He was sure she had feelings for him but she was reluctant to admit it. So he got a guy friend to pose as a secret admirer. Luckily for him, things worked in his favour." However, Seema warns that it's advisable not to use this frequently. While it may make you appear attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex initially, it could work against you in the long run.

Control anger before anger controls You

- Dr. Kurien S. Thomas, Effective Living Clinic, Vashi, Navi Mumbai - Rejuvenate

"A man was polishing his new car; his 4 year old son picked up a stone & scratched on the side of the car. In anger, the furious Man took his child's hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it many times. Devastated by his own actions... sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches, His son had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. It is said, Anger and Love have no limits...Always remember..... "Things are to be used and people are to be loved" but the problem in today's world is.... "People are being USED & Things are being LOVED."In today’s world we are always being judged / scanned / criticized by one and all; at home, at school, at college, at place of work and at all places that we go.Competitions and performance are over –rated. Televisions, internet and other media have been set on high search and follow mode. People today follow others not according to their taste, but by fame, prosperity etc. of others. The result …. They end up with unsatisfactory taste buds in life. This triggers their stress and stress in turn makes them immobile towards anticipated success thus anger triggers in the individual. Who does not get angry? The answer is everybody does? Every human does because that is his/her way of expression on anxiety or dissatisfaction.Anger has many dimensions to it. Some think an angry tone displays maturity. Some feel an angry expression can bring fear; that is the best mode to bring discipline. Some feel angry words can bring hope. Parents get angry due to anxiety. Some Anger has love in it. But only wise men can recognize the element of love in anger.I read about a 19 year old boy who ran away from his house 3 times. The reason; his mother did not buy a motorbike for him. The anxiety that a parent holds while the child rides the bike is unexplainable. Parents got their right to worry and that worry is translated into anxiety and the anxiety is expressed in anger.Marriages are today held is such a way that parents got no say in the lives of their child. We have a notion with us that we know everything and we can deal with it. That is our side of the story. We do give pre-marital counseling to the to-be-bride & the groom where a detailed study is conducted considering the likes & dislikes a crispy consultation is tabled before the to-be couple. In my personal suggestion the entire family if possible must be given counseling. If not possible as an entire family at least the parents of the bride and the groom must also be facilitated with this unique service. There may be contradictions to my say but let me say that many times due to lack of proper understanding, family issues pop up in no seconds. A gulf is bridged in the family. It would look like a torn bedspread when spread on the bed. The charm is gone. Many families today live like strangers under one roof. The newly wed does not interact with the parents or very limited. Or the parents do not interact with the newly wed. Sibling rivalry, the list goes endless… The reason is perhaps small issues which are concreted so well perhaps stronger than a RCC slab. Sometimes it would be stronger when compared to concreted roads. This is stress in the family-relationships. Concern for each other brings understanding and that understanding is real love.The other day I had written on stress during exams and tips to combat it. Stress to some extend is good but when it goes beyond boundaries of tolerance it turns out to be negative. Similarly, expression of anger to an extend is wise beyond that limit is evil sometimes even destructive.A short advice to the newly married or all those in the wedlock Don’t go to bed angry at each other. It will only get worse in the morning. Young husbands & wives sometimes think that their spouse will “get over it” with a good night’s sleep. Take it from one who knows? It doesn’t work. If you don’t solve your problems, both of you will not sleep well and both will have a bad morning when you do wake up.

Quick tips to control anger before anger controls us

Get out of the situation or place where you are when you got angry•

Try to stop the discussion at once and try to think will it benefit you in any way•

Try to channelize the energy in you to do some activities like cleaning, walking, writing down the causes of that particular situation•

Try to analyse which kind of conversation was responsible to trigger anger in you, rather learn to act tactful in similar situations ahead• Try to think of something else that could calm down your anger (about your family, loved ones etc.)•

Try deep breath –inhale/exhale at least 8 times•

Try to listen to some soothing music.•

Still angry… take a pillow; punch it till your anger wades out.You would emerge stronger when you learn the art to control your anger. Remember, it is human to have anger. It is what you do with it that counts!

Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, very slow to anger.

Dr. Kurien S. Thomas is a certified & qualified Clinical  Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Life Coach, Registered Medical Practitioner in Alternative Medicines & YogaTherapist. He has completed M.S, M.D (Doctor of Medicine in Alternative Medicines), certified & qualified Yoga Therapist from University of Mumbai, Founder and Executive Director of EFFECTIVE LIVING CLINIC and creator of K Yoga Therapy. He is registered with Indian Board of Alternative Medicines, which is recognized by the W.H.O (World Health Organisation) and U.N (United Nations). 

10 Tips for Raising Children of Character

It is one of those essential facts of life that raising good children-children of character-demands time and attention. While having children may be doing what comes naturally, being a good parent is much more complicated. Here are ten tips to help your children build sturday characters: 1. Put parenting first. This is hard to do in a world with so many competing demands. Good parents consciously plan and devote time to parenting. They make developing their children’s character their top priority. 2. Review how you spend the hours and days of your week. Think about the amount of time your children spend with you. Plan how you can weave your children into your social life and knit yourself into their lives.

3. Be a good example. Face it: human beings learn primarily through modeling. In fact, you can’t avoid being an example to your children, whether good or bad. Being a good example, then, is probably your most important job.

4. Develop an ear and an eye for what your children are absorbing. Children are like sponges. Much of what they take in has to do with moral values and character. Books, songs, TV, the Internet, and films are continually delivering messages—moral and immoral—to our children. As parents we must control the flow of ideas and images that are influencing our children.

5. Use the language of character. Children cannot develop a moral compass unless people around them use the clear, sharp language of right and wrong.

6. Punish with a loving heart. Today, punishment has a bad reputation. The results are guilt-ridden parents and self-indulgent, out-of-control children. Children need limits. They will ignore these limits on occasion. Reasonable punishment is one of the ways human beings have always learned. Children must understand what punishment is for and know that its source is parental love.

7. Learn to listen to your children. It is easy for us to tune out the talk of our children. One of the greatest things we can do for them is to take them seriously and set aside time to listen.

8. Get deeply involved in your child’s school life. School is the main event in the lives of our children. Their experience there is a mixed bag of triumphs and disappointments. How they deal with them will influence the course of their lives. Helping our children become good students is another name for helping them acquire strong character.

9. Make a big deal out of the family meal. One of the most dangerous trends in America is the dying of the family meal. The dinner table is not only a place of sustenance and family business but also a place for the teaching and passing on of our values. Manners and rules are subtly absorbed over the table. Family mealtime should communicate and sustain ideals that children will draw on throughout their lives.

10. Do not reduce character education to words alone. We gain virtue through practice. Parents should help children by promoting moral action through self-discipline, good work habits, kind and considerate behavior to others, and community service. The bottom line in character development is behavior--their behavior.

As parents, we want our children to be the architects of their own character crafting, while we accept the responsibility to be architects of the environment—physical and moral. We need to create an environment in which our children can develop habits of honesty, generosity, and a sense of justice. For most of us, the greatest opportunity we personally have to deepen our own character is through the daily blood, sweat and tears of struggling to be good parents.