Make your arranged marriage work

Match, set, go... easier said than done. Here we list tips on ways to understand your partner better
They say marriages are made in heaven. But then, there are also those made here on earth. Though an arranged marriage may feel like a pre-historic concept, such matches are still prevalent in society. Whether you marry someone you've fallen in love with, or someone your parents have chosen, as a couple you are bound to go through some ups and downs. It's just that if it's an arranged marriage, it may take you a tad longer to understand the thought process of your partner. If you are about to enter into an arranged marriage, here are some pointers you need to keep in mind:
Pre-marital jitters
Pre-marital jitters are very common among couples who opt for an arranged marriage. And if you're experiencing them, ask yourself what is causing the anxiety. Among the most prominent reasons is the fear of sharing space and adjusting to a relatively unknown partner. Then, of course, is the fear of how to deal with a new family; how much you'd have to change your behaviour to adapt to their thoughts and habits.
The best way to overcome this problem is by interacting frequently with your partner. It will put you at ease with your partner and also improve the intimacy between the two of you.
Never complain
An arranged marriage means more responsibilities and expectations. Both partners are under pressure to make the marriage work. Your partner may not share all your likes and dislikes and his/her family may not follow the same values as yours. You may be constantly corrected about the way things are done in this house. Relax!
Adjustment is the name of the game. Have a frank talk with your partner, list out your anxieties and figure out a way to do things without antagonising your new family. In the initial days of your marriage, don't take rude remarks or the seemingly harsh moves of your partner too seriously. Also, don't adopt the tit for tat philosophy. Stay away from troublemakers and look for allies. Also, don't complain or sound whiny to your partner. Remember, he/she is just as confused and nervous as you are.
The magic of love
Love is that essential ingredient that can help both of you overcome hurdles. If love at first sight hasn't happened, don't worry. It may take time, but you will grow to love each other. Even if you're in love already, don't expect your partner to immediately reciprocate the feelings. Give him/her time and work on how you can earn his/her love. Be patient and don't get frustrated every time your partner says or does something wrong.
Remember, marriage is like a whirlpool which takes one from a carefree world to a world filled with commitment and sacrifice; a world with love as its backbone.

Control anger before anger controls You

- Dr. Kurien S. Thomas, Effective Living Clinic, Vashi, Navi Mumbai - Rejuvenate

"A man was polishing his new car; his 4 year old son picked up a stone & scratched on the side of the car. In anger, the furious Man took his child's hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it many times. Devastated by his own actions... sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches, His son had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. It is said, Anger and Love have no limits...Always remember..... "Things are to be used and people are to be loved" but the problem in today's world is.... "People are being USED & Things are being LOVED."In today’s world we are always being judged / scanned / criticized by one and all; at home, at school, at college, at place of work and at all places that we go.Competitions and performance are over –rated. Televisions, internet and other media have been set on high search and follow mode. People today follow others not according to their taste, but by fame, prosperity etc. of others. The result …. They end up with unsatisfactory taste buds in life. This triggers their stress and stress in turn makes them immobile towards anticipated success thus anger triggers in the individual. Who does not get angry? The answer is everybody does? Every human does because that is his/her way of expression on anxiety or dissatisfaction.Anger has many dimensions to it. Some think an angry tone displays maturity. Some feel an angry expression can bring fear; that is the best mode to bring discipline. Some feel angry words can bring hope. Parents get angry due to anxiety. Some Anger has love in it. But only wise men can recognize the element of love in anger.I read about a 19 year old boy who ran away from his house 3 times. The reason; his mother did not buy a motorbike for him. The anxiety that a parent holds while the child rides the bike is unexplainable. Parents got their right to worry and that worry is translated into anxiety and the anxiety is expressed in anger.Marriages are today held is such a way that parents got no say in the lives of their child. We have a notion with us that we know everything and we can deal with it. That is our side of the story. We do give pre-marital counseling to the to-be-bride & the groom where a detailed study is conducted considering the likes & dislikes a crispy consultation is tabled before the to-be couple. In my personal suggestion the entire family if possible must be given counseling. If not possible as an entire family at least the parents of the bride and the groom must also be facilitated with this unique service. There may be contradictions to my say but let me say that many times due to lack of proper understanding, family issues pop up in no seconds. A gulf is bridged in the family. It would look like a torn bedspread when spread on the bed. The charm is gone. Many families today live like strangers under one roof. The newly wed does not interact with the parents or very limited. Or the parents do not interact with the newly wed. Sibling rivalry, the list goes endless… The reason is perhaps small issues which are concreted so well perhaps stronger than a RCC slab. Sometimes it would be stronger when compared to concreted roads. This is stress in the family-relationships. Concern for each other brings understanding and that understanding is real love.The other day I had written on stress during exams and tips to combat it. Stress to some extend is good but when it goes beyond boundaries of tolerance it turns out to be negative. Similarly, expression of anger to an extend is wise beyond that limit is evil sometimes even destructive.A short advice to the newly married or all those in the wedlock Don’t go to bed angry at each other. It will only get worse in the morning. Young husbands & wives sometimes think that their spouse will “get over it” with a good night’s sleep. Take it from one who knows? It doesn’t work. If you don’t solve your problems, both of you will not sleep well and both will have a bad morning when you do wake up.

Quick tips to control anger before anger controls us

Get out of the situation or place where you are when you got angry•

Try to stop the discussion at once and try to think will it benefit you in any way•

Try to channelize the energy in you to do some activities like cleaning, walking, writing down the causes of that particular situation•

Try to analyse which kind of conversation was responsible to trigger anger in you, rather learn to act tactful in similar situations ahead• Try to think of something else that could calm down your anger (about your family, loved ones etc.)•

Try deep breath –inhale/exhale at least 8 times•

Try to listen to some soothing music.•

Still angry… take a pillow; punch it till your anger wades out.You would emerge stronger when you learn the art to control your anger. Remember, it is human to have anger. It is what you do with it that counts!

Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, very slow to anger.

Dr. Kurien S. Thomas is a certified & qualified Clinical  Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Life Coach, Registered Medical Practitioner in Alternative Medicines & YogaTherapist. He has completed M.S, M.D (Doctor of Medicine in Alternative Medicines), certified & qualified Yoga Therapist from University of Mumbai, Founder and Executive Director of EFFECTIVE LIVING CLINIC and creator of K Yoga Therapy. He is registered with Indian Board of Alternative Medicines, which is recognized by the W.H.O (World Health Organisation) and U.N (United Nations).