Divorce, depression plague Kerala’s youth

Even as God's own country boasts of a cent per cent literate population, the state tops the charts when it comes to suicide and divorce

Looks like God's Own Country is fast metamorphosing into the haven of two ominous Ds - depression and divorce. Statistics spanning over 2010-2011 point to an alarming increase in the number of suicides and divorces in Kerala. What exactly is happening to the state that announced its cent per cent literacy to the world years ago?

Till divorce do us part ...

Funny as it might sound, looks like special funds need to be allotted to set up family courts across the state, with the existing 16 teeming with divorce cases. For, anything from the partner's body odour to infidelity triggers divorce.

About 8 to 10 divorce cases are filed in each of these courts on a daily basis, reports say. From 8,456 divorce cases in 2005-06 to 11,600 in 2009-10, the statistics from recent months indicate only an increase in the number of broken families. Kerala accounts for 1.96 lakh of the nation's 23.43 lakh divorced or separated women. Says Krishnaprasad, a lawyer with the Kerala High Court, "When a woman registers a complaint against her husband, even on the basis of apprehension, he stands a good chance to get arrested. And once the arrest happens, where is the question of working out a compromise formula? It is their egos that will work out more than the compromise. There have been many cases where wives have misused the anti-dowry laws to blackmail their husbands."

The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act has many loopholes, lawyers point out. "It is a double-edged sword; 90% of people misuse it. Ironically, the law that has been intended to protect women have more or less boomeranged on them, with the number of sister-in-law and mother-in-law arrests also on the rise with this provision," they say. Interestingly, the capital city takes the lead in the number of divorces. As many as 6,000 divorces took place in the past few months alone in Thiruvananthapuram's family courts. Proposals have been mooted to set up one more family court in Thiruvananthapuram. The 18 family courts in the state had a total of 38,231 cases filed last year.

Most of the divorce cases filed at court are by couples who have lived together for less than five years. "Ours is a society where physical abuse of women is much less in comparison to other states; here, the reasons for marital discord are different - ego clash, economic independence, low tolerance levels, debt, drinking, infidelity and impotency - among others," says psychiatrist C J John.

Calling it a day...

Statistics show that more than 80% of suicides are committed by people between the ages of 15 and 59. It cannot be refuted that divorce brings with it a fair share of depression too, notwithstanding the fact that the social stigma attached to separated couples has reduced considerably over the years. "It is a fact that nearly 78% of suicides are committed by married individuals," says psychologist Balakrishnan, adding, "In many cases, couples can be talked into settling their differences amicably. Unfortunately, we do not have an effective counselling system in place."

Divorce is bad for health

Divorce at a younger age is more detrimental to one's health than later in life as older people can cope better with the ensuing disruption and stress.
Michigan State University sociologist Hui Liu, who led the study said "that we need more social and family support for the younger divorced groups."

"This could include divorce counselling to help people handle the stress, or offering marital therapy or prevention programs to maintain marital satisfaction," added Hui, the journal Social Science & Medicine reports.

Hui analyzed the self-reported health of 1,282 participants in Americans' Changing Lives, a long-term national survey, according to a Michigan statement.

She measured the gap in health status between those who remained married during the 15-year study period and those who transitioned from marriage to divorce, at certain ages and among different birth cohorts, or generations.

Hui found the gap was wider at younger ages. For example, among people born in the 1950s, those who got divorced between the ages of 35 and 41 reported more health problems in relation to their continuously married counterparts than those who got divorced in the 44 to 50 age range.

From a generational perspective, the negative health impact was stronger for baby boomers than it was for older generations - a finding that surprised Hui.

"I would have expected divorce to carry less stress for the younger generation, since divorce is more prevalent for them," she said.

Parental fights causes stress among kids

Children who get distressed because of constant parental conflicts have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, according to scientists.
While it is known that children who witness their parents fighting are prone to psychological problems, the biological responses going on behind these behavioural reactions have now been uncovered. The study, by researchers at the University of Rochester, the University of Minnesota and the University of Notre Dame, was conducted on 208 6-year-olds and their mothers.



"Our results indicate that children who are distressed by conflict between their parents show greater biological sensitivity to conflict in the form of higher levels of the stress hormone, cortisol," said Patrick T. Davies, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, who led the study.
He added, "Because higher levels of cortisol have been linked to a wide range of mental and physical health difficulties, high levels of cortisol may help explain why children who experience high levels of distress when their parents argue are more likely to experience later health problems."
The authors suggested that the study has implications for policy and practice. The common practice of judging how well intervention programs are doing, based solely on improvements in how children function psychologically may need to be changed to include physiological measures like cortisol levels.The findings revealed that children who were very distressed by the conflicts in the lab had higher levels of cortisol in response to their parents fighting.
Children's levels of hostility and their involvement during the arguments weren''t always related to their levels of cortisol, the study found. But children who were very distressed and very involved in response to parental fighting had especially high levels of cortisol. The researchers aimed to find out if children who showed specific behaviour patterns of reacting to conflict also had changes in cortisol levels during simulated telephone arguments between their parents.
For the study, they measured children's distress, hostility, and level of involvement in the arguments, and received reports from the mothers about how their children responded when parents fought at home. Then, cortisol levels were measured by taking saliva samples before and after the conflicts in the lab.

Rejuvenate greets you Happy Dussehra

Dussehra in the north

In North India, mainly in Uttar Pradesh, Madhya Pradesh and Haryana, Dussehra is celebrated with Ramlila, that ends with burning an effigy of Ravan, the ten-headed demon. It symbolises the victory of good over evil. According to Hindu mythology, Ravan kidnapped Sita, the wife of Ram, the prince of Ayodhya. Ram along with his brother Lakshman conquered Lanka (Ravan’s kingdom) with the help of Sugreeva (king of monkeys) and his army. The prince returned with his brother and wife on the auspicious day of Dussehra

Durga puja in the east
In Indian states like Orrisa, Assam and Bengal, the last four days of Navratri are celebrated as Durga puja. And on the last day, they take idols of durga for visarjan. They celebrate the victory of Maa Durga over the demon Mahisasura who captured Swarglok (heaven).  The married women then play sindoor khela, where they smear each other with sindoor or vermillion powder.

Exchanging gold in the west
In Maharashtra too, Dussehra symbolises the victory of good over evil. Other than exchanging gifts and sweets, they also exchange leaves of the Aapta tree. The leaves symbolise gold and are meant to bring prosperity. Maharashtrians also think that it is an auspicious day to start new ventures.

Vijayadashami in the south
In the south, Dussehra is more commonly known as Vijayadashami. In Tamil Nadu, bomai kolu or different dolls and statues are placed on miniature platforms/steps. On the last day, the kolu is removed. In most parts of Kerala, the last day is dedicated to Saraswati puja. It is also known as vidyarambham. Three days before Dussehra, students wrap their books in a cloth and keep it in front of Saraswati (Goddess of learning). They are unwrapped on the day of dussehra and are read in front of Saraswati’s idol.  Little children are initiated into education by making them write on rice.

How do you celebrate Dussehra? Leave us a comment and let us know.Diwali, Christmas, New Year... the festive season has only yet begun and we can already feel the excitement. The best part is it's contagious! Keep Smiling and enjoy life. .

http://www.effectivelivingclinic.com/



Dog is no longer man's best friend!

Times of India,  Melissa D'costa

With the advent of tablet PCs and digital newspapers, you don't even need your faithful dog to fetch your morning paper for you anymore.
According to the findings of a new UK study, around 67 per cent of the people polled believed that their PC or other gadget had replaced the dog as their faithful companion. Sheena Thomas, a working professional who is married to a software technician, claims the findings of the study mirror what's happening in her life, "My husband and I cannot have kids. Our pet dog Ginger became a replacement for that void in our lives. However, my husband's addiction to the internet changed that. He started neglecting us; he had no time to attend to our dog's needs or mine." So, is this the end of the road for man's original best friend?
"It definitely looks that way," says clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany, adding, "Human beings have become slaves to technology and gadgets. Smart phones, laptops, XBoxes and Playstations are just some of the many gadgets that have become an integral part of their lives. Addiction to gadgets is on the rise; so much so that people feel incomplete or lost without them."

Dr Kurien S Thomas, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, counsellor and wellness therapist adds, "I think more than the PC or laptop, it's cellphones that have become man's new best friends. People feel handicapped without their cellphone. I remember dealing with a patient who had come to me for counselling but forgot his cellphone at home. He was so restless during my interaction with him. He only settled down once he got his cellphone back. One of the main reasons for this kind of dependence on gadgets is that we can carry them with us 24/7, while there are restrictions on where we can take our pets. These are not applicable to our gadgets. Besides they are low maintenance and keep us occupied and entertained."
Even though it looks like the ever-faithful dog is taking a backseat, they still have a role to play in our lives and no gadget or gizmo can replace them believes Dr Hitesh Swali. The vet comes down heavily on the study, slamming it saying, "This poll ignores the fact that you simply can't compare an inanimate object to a pet. A computer and a dog can never be compared because you cannot receive love or affection from a gadget. You can't replace a pet with a gizmo. While I don't deny that some people are so pre-occupied with gadgets that they don't have time for a pet, that does not mean that people will stop keeping one or that they have been replaced by a gadget simply because they are two different entities that serve very different needs."

Corp to keep a tab on food stalls at Onam fairs

Onam fairs as well as the food stalls, set up at various places in the city to boost the festive mood, will come under the scanner of the Kochi corporation as the officials have decided to start conducting surprise checks from Friday.
Food inspectors and health inspectors will check the food items like 'payasam', chips and other eatables offered at these fairs, said standing committee chairman, Health Committee, T K Ashraf. Four vehicles would be allotted to officials for the purpose.
"It has been brought to our attention that sub-standard food is being sold at road-side eateries and stalls set up for the festival season. There would be regular inspection till September 7," he told ToI. Raids will be conducted at all zones. It is also decided to grade hotels and eateries in the city. "Grading will be based on quality of food and cleanliness practised in hotels and restaurants," he added.

6 super annoying things about men

Source: Times of India - Rejuvenate

Love them, hate them, hate to love them or love to hate them, it doesn't matter. When it comes to the opposite sex, especially when it involves annoying habits that are characteristic of the male species, we women certainly have a list that seems endless. However, here's the pick of the lot. Six habits of men that are so annoying, you either find yourself tearing your hair out or crying in frustration in the privacy of your bathroom...

Ball scratching: In public. Or even in private. The less said the better. Not just gross and embarrassing, but makes you wish that the earth would just open up and swallow you (or him, depending on how mad you are). Farting and burping also fall in this category. Trust us, that's just not the way we want to know what they had for lunch!

Road rage: Especially against women. How is it that the men always assume that a bad driver has to be a woman? Yes, we might have our leverage with traffic policemen, but that doesn't mean that we travel in amoebic speeds on the road. Pay some attention next time; it just might be one of your own behind the wheel.

The male ego: Fragile is the word that can be used to describe the male ego. Other words that you can use for the same are huge, confusing and even downright deplorable. Here are a few examples of what men think are great ego boosters - vrooming on a bike in the middle of a traffic jam that's a mile long, making a woman feel about three inches tall, confusing two diverse terms like possessiveness and protectiveness... the list is quite endless. Annoying as hell isn't it?

Dirty talk: Or even talk in general. What is hilarious is when they tread on tough topics like 'giving each other space' and 'it's not you it's me'. Not only do they not have a clue about what they are saying, it sounds downright made up, to say the least. And please, dirty talking and bad mouthing is just not the way to flirt. We hate to break your bubble. It is absolutely revolting.

Sheer dumbness: Here's a familiar scene. You are arguing like crazy with the guy you are seeing and at the end of what seems like hours, he asks you, "So what is your problem now". What have we been screaming for the last four hours, retard? Sounds familiar? We don't blame you.

Selfishness: An annoying thing about men is that they live in this little world of their own, where they think that the world revolves around their central axis. Breaking news. It doesn't. Though you might think that everything is about you, it unfortunately isn't. Respect the fact that we have a life that is independent of your likes and dislikes - that is all we ask.

Handling depression during divorce

- Dr. Kurien S. Thomas, Effective Living Clinic, Vashi, Navi Mumbai - Rejuvenate

Marriage is said to be made in Heaven but then where does then divorce come from? I am sure nobody gets married for a divorce. Many people sometimes do not want to enter divorce but are forced to either due to family pressure or from friends who misguide to the ultimatum without thinking pros and cons of divorce. Hence, in my practice I have found that people enter divorce to please somebody they confide in more than their spouse. It is heartening to know that true love does not exist among spouses that give room for others to peep in to create vacuum between couples. There can be many reasons to claim that divorce in the right choice in a particular relationship but many times we do not rethink or look for possibilities that can save a marriage. The responsibility to save a marriage lies solely in the hands of married spouses in that particular relationship. Once a lady said; every time I find Mr Right my husband scares him away. It is equal responsibility of a husband and a wife to keep marital chord intact.

Albert Einstein once said: ‘Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.’

For many people divorce is too hard to deal with though it is not an immediate decision but something you see coming in the long way. Factors such as feeling of helplessness, frustration, anger, sadness, loneliness, sleeplessness and above all guilt seeps into the minds of the couple thus making room from depression and stress. Whatever may the reason be, both spouses do face depression to some extent. You cannot live with such negative feelings but try to give your life a meaning.

Never put yourself down, let the bygones be bygones and do not compare with others. Do not forget to laugh and make your surroundings positive enough to feel comfortable. When you feel out of control, reach out to someone who can help you genuinely or rush to a counselor. 

Few tips to handle depression during divorce:

1. Talk:

Try to talk about your feelings about divorce to someone with whom you can confide with utmost secrecy.

Talk to your parents, children and others who are too close to you about your decision. Perhaps they can

help you. There have been cases where talk between spouses helped them to sort out their differences. (Mature approach is needed to handle it this way). Never try to come to conclusion quickly. Try to talk to your spouses in sentences rather than in paragraphs.

2. Seek help:

Counselors are the best source to seek help as they would look into all angles of your case helping you to find out an optimum solution to your existing problem. There have been cases where discussions with counsellor along with your spouse helped in reunion (Best option). Honourable court too would love to see patch-ups instead of divorce.

3. Diet:

There is no special diet for those facing divorce proceedings. It is important to note that you need to hydrate well so that your body has enough fluid to keep it hydrated well. Eat fresh fruits and nuts to keep your energy level up. Do not much on junk as they make you feel loaded but lots of unwanted calories leading to health issues. Consult your physician to add few supplements to balance your body requirements.

4. Work it out:

Apart from trying to work-out a solution to save your marriage, which could be egoistic but certainly worth letting it go to enjoy mutual consent to reunion, you have to work out your physical body to keep it fit. Try to walk, cycle, swim, hit the gym or try yoga to remain healthy. Try to meditate, think positively for positive outcomes so that you get to think in all direction when reaching out for solutions.

5. Engage yourself:

It is read idle mind is devil’s workshop. Try to engage yourself in some social activity or develop hobbies that can

keep you busy and help you to channelize your energy levels in the right direction.

In a symposium on health, a married man said it is not true that married men live longer than single men…it just seems longer.

Well let me remind you that secret of a happy marriage still remains secret. Keep Smiling.

Dr. Kurien S. Thomas is a certified & qualified Clinical Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Life Coach, Registered Medical Practitioner in Alternative Medicines & YogaTherapist. He has completed M.S, M.D (Doctor of Medicine in Alternative Medicines), certified & qualified Yoga Therapist from University of Mumbai, Founder and Executive Director of EFFECTIVE LIVING CLINIC and creator of K Yoga Therapy. He is registered with Indian Board of Alternative Medicines, which is recognized by the W.H.O (World Health Organisation) and U.N (United Nations). 

Divorce easier than getting driving licence

Source: Mid Day

A top UK judge has said that getting a divorce is now easier than getting a driving licence, and it is due to the fact that now a marriage can come to an end with just a basic form-filling exercise.

Sir Paul Coleridge blamed 50 years of relationship free-for-all for the spread of divorce on demand, and said that it has left 3.8 million children at the mercy of the courts because of the break-up of their parents.

The judge, who sits in the High Court Family Division as Mr Justice Coleridge, has called repeatedly for legal reforms to clear up the mess left by the decline of marriage.

He described the problem of family breakdown as "huge" and condemned the ease of divorce in an interview on BBC Radio Five Live.

"Divorce is easy in the sense that obtaining a divorce is easier than getting a driving licence," the Daily Mail quoted him as saying.

"It's a form-filling exercise and you'll get your divorce in six weeks if everyone agrees," he said.

He added that the stigma attached to divorce in the past has also disappeared.

The judge said there was no sign that the misery of large numbers of children hit by family break-up was diminishing.

"In fact, every indication is it's going up. The whole of society is affected by this. Everyone in the land, from the Royal Family downwards, is now affected by family breakdown," he said.

"It affects the lives of children themselves, it affects the lives of their parents. The wider family gets caught up in it.

"It then ripples out to the local community, the schools and then into the wider community," he added.

Effective Living Clinic

                Bringing Positivism in Life

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A Shift of Mind

Source: Psychology Today

The institution of marriage often falls short of its promise. Marriage is designed to be - at least in modern Western times - a structure to foster and secure loving feelings to enhance each other's life. On a practical note, it is also intended as a foundation for family structure and to facilitate and expedite our life experience. Certainly we might agree that the purpose of marriage ought to be to enhance one's life. Yet this supposition meets with an incredible rate of disappointment, if not outright failure. Ironically, marriage often becomes the justification for people's unhappiness.

The fact that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is actually the lesser of the problem. The greater difficulty lies in the fact that the majority of intact marriages are far from joyful. And many people regrettably live out their lives that way.

Divorce, although tumultuous and potentially scarring, at least provides the possibility of better days. Remaining in the lethargy of an unhappy marriage, dulled by the absence of a more hopeful vision, can be downright depressing. And yet, so many people resign themselves to such lives.

Many people in such relationships merely give up and don't work on improving their relations. Yet, they stay stuck to a fear of divorce. I am by no means glibly promoting divorce but advocating, however, that we do everything in our power to awaken our relationships and live more meaningfully. Let's take a deeper look at this dilemma.

The Fear Factor

Fear is the greatest impediment to growth in our lives. Very often, people are literally afraid of sharing their true feelings with their partners. This range of fear may run the gamut: the fear of divorce and its incumbent anxieties or simply the avoidance of coming to terms with a relationship that may be lacking in intimacy, passion or respect. Another poignant fear is simply the anxiety of being alone. When you stay married out of fear, the emotional paralysis that pervades further poisons the relationship. Staying together out of resignation - due to fear - results in an enigmatic dilemma. Such people won't consider divorce, and yet they are convinced that their marriage won't improve, so they don't work on the relationship. This is the worst of all possible scenarios. They are literally caught between the proverbial rock and the hard place.

If you find yourself in this place, it's essential that you address your fears. The fear of divorce paradoxically eliminates any chance of improvement in the relationship. It produces a state of inertia, and the ensuing stagnation and frustration make mediocre marriages even worse. They can become imprisoning.

If we can work through the fears around separation, then we are electing to stay in the marriage not from fear but from choice. 

This alone begins to unburden the chronic state of unhappiness, and genuine marital therapy may begin. In other words, processing the fear of divorce is not necessarily for the purpose of divorcing; it is for the purpose of clarity. Am I staying married for the wrong reasons?

Fear filters our perceptions and participates in constructing our reality. The ways in which you see your partner are very much informed by your emotions, particularly anger. This anger may have arisen in part because you're feeling mired in a hopeless relationship.

Getting unstuck permits you to either create a healthier relationship or to move forward. Either choice may be preferable to remaining unhappy without a glimmer of hope. Fear should not be a factor in your choice. Ultimately, the question is how much happiness you deserve in your life. It is not selfish to deserve happiness. In fact, to forgo your own contentment becomes a model of unhealthy self-sacrifice for your children - who will likely suffer in their own self-esteem by having parents who betrayed their own fulfillment.

For the Sake of the Children

One prevailing theme related to fear of divorce is that the act of divorce, in and of itself, will damage the children. People research multiple studies to substantiate this concern. By all means such an upheaval in our children's lives should not be taken lightly. Divorce needs to be well considered, and navigating the children through this process should be undertaken with insight, reflection and empathy.

Yet, very few people consider the consequences of children growing up in unhappy yet intact homes, as they witness conflicted, unloving and uncooperative parental relations. Children tend to model what they see in their parents' relations. Certainly, as parents we want better for our kids. Yet, the likelihood is that such children will incline toward similar marriages. Worse still, many parents claim their kids really don't know anything is wrong with the marriage. The irony is that they will therefore normalize what may be a mediocre, disappointing or conflicted marriage. At least the kids ought to know that the marriage is indeed falling short of the mark. In that way, they can note the failure and aim higher for themselves when they come of age.

Is this the legacy we want for our children? To be the best we can be as parents we need to model a level of authenticity in our lives. One in which we face our challenges and struggles and don't succumb to fear. Isn't that what we'd want for them? If you choose to stay married, commit to the process and model that commitment for your children. If your marriage precludes the opportunity for happiness, have the courage to face your fears. Let's not claim that we're protecting our children by exposing them to unhealthy relations. We need to face our fears, embrace them and choose to stay married from a healthy place of growth and hopefulness, not succumb to the deprivation of a joyless life.