Is your woman faking it in bed?

Source: Times of India

Dr Suman Bijlani lists women's common sexual concerns and what they mean for men

Wonder why your wife/girlfriend seems "off sex" of late? Why does she complain of a headache just when you are in the mood? Fact is, as with men, sex is a big issue for women too. Only, due to conditioning or lack of awareness, most women don't articulate them.

Generally, women realise they have sexual problems only when:
» It affects their relationship
» Their partner starts complaining
» When they are depressed
» When they themselves get involved in an extra-marital affair.

Also, the nature of problems differs slightly with age.

Younger women:
Sexual problems relate more to body image issues and 'performance anxiety'. Especially if they feel sex is the only way they can hold on to their relationship.

Older women:
Sex boils down to a chore or duty after years of marriage/relationship. It then manifests in pains, aches, lack of orgasm and other physical symptoms.

The bottomline:
Don't blame your dull sex life on her PMS or mood swings. Gynaecologist Dr Suman Bijlani of Gyneguide tells you how to read between the lines.

Problem: Lack of interest
Message: Foreplay continues throughout the day
A woman wants her man to make her feel special throughout the day. This sets up her mood for the special night. In a marriage, being interested in the house or taking care of the children is important. Conflicts with kids affects her relationship with her husband.
Hence make that special effort to show you care - through messages, gifts, a special outing etc.

Problem: Poor body image
Message: I want to feel beautiful when I'm with you
A woman might shy away from intercourse due to poor body image - a result of low self-esteem. If her partner nags her about her lack of perfection, it can affect her sexual confidence. It's foolhardy to say things like 'your hips are too wide' or 'breasts are too small' and later expect her to perform in bed. For a woman, the only solution is to work on herself as a person. Men get attracted by a woman's confidence.

Problem: Faking it
Message: Orgasm isn't everything
Men tend to focus only on orgasm, but often for a woman, great foreplay is enough. Hence, ensure she is happy with the quality of sex. If she fakes an orgasm, it means she isn't satisfied and doesn't trust you enough to tell you. Such a behaviour points to chinks in the relationship, hence work on them first.

Problem: Frequency issues
Message: I am no sex machine
Some men want sex every day, but with women, many other factors need to be in place. There is no ideal time or frequency for sex,but if the frequency of desire is very disparate, seek help. If a woman is stressed or has resentments towards her man, it reflects in lack of interest in sex.

Problem: Pain during sex
Message: Be considerate in bed
A common problem, painful intercourse can result from vaginal infection or if the partner is very aggressive. Pain is of two types. Superficial pain: which occurs at the time of insertion. Or deep pain: that's usually pathological or due to endometriosis or infections. This needs to be taken seriously. Using a lubricant or increasing foreplay can help.

Problem: Body odour
Message: Please be pleasant
Both men and women can suffer from fungal infections, tinea infection and similar problems that lead to body odour. To stimulate a woman's interest in sex, it is essential that the man maintains a pleasant personality and smells good as well. Taking the point further, he should make an effort to look good for his woman. It leads to a better response in bed.

Problem: Fear of pregnancy
Message: Take care of protection
It's often the fear of pregnancy that makes women shy away from sex. For good sex, it's important for both partners to be equally aware and responsible for contraception.

Teens getting sexually active than ever

Source: Times of India

A recent survey states the average age for losing virginity is 17. Is that so or are teenagers getting sexually active even earlier? Debarati S Sen explores ...

Studies have revealed that children, these days, are losing their virginity at a very young age. Experts say that with the average age of puberty going down to 9-10 years for girls and 10-11 years for boys, the average age for losing virginity too is going down. And the deadly paring with this is - awareness about sex is more these days and information (not always from the right sources) is freely available. Television, movies and most prominently the Internet is loaded with extremely easily accessible information and graphic details. This, most of the time, helps to entice the youngsters to experiment, who already have hormones raging through them.

Anju Uppal, principal of an international high school says, "I have been dealing with children for a long time and I do believe that children these days are losing their virginity very early. They get attracted to each other and are tempted to take it all further."

Curiosity killed the cat
Psychiatrist Dr Anjali Chhabria says, "It's human nature to be curious. A teenager would definitely want to experiment and experience the information he/she has heard about sex. For certain kids who are more shy, withdrawn and introverts, social networking sites are best for communication. Kids who may be new to exploring sexuality or may have a high drive, do indulge in cyber sex or phone sex at times." Anju Uppal adds, "They are much more aware of things these days and they are very keen to experiment."

Lack of attention from parents
With most parents working, kids are without proper supervision (a maid would not even understand the nuances of phone or cyber sex) and free to do as they like. "Sometimes the attention from the parents is not enough, kids may indulge in these things just to attract negative attention from parents," says Dr Chhabria.

Family history
Children who are from broken families are prone to indulge in flings with multiple partners without emotional attachments. Seema Hingorrany, clinical psychologist adds, "When there is a marital discord between parents the children may try to cling to their relationships and are ready to lose their virginity to hold on to it."

Sex isn't taboo anymore
Sex in our society is also not such a taboo as it used to be earlier and virginity is not such a big deal. Psychotherapist Shilpa Raheja agrees, "Virginity has lost its sacred value. 'Saving your virginity for marriage' is something that is even laughed at these days by some people." This attitude, though not very common is accepted.

Influence of alcohol
Is influence of alcohol or substance abuse one of the reasons that lead to lowering the age of sexual activity among children? Dr Chhabria says, "It may not be one of the reasons but it may stimulate the sexual urge further for them to indulge in sex. Also substance and alcohol tend to reduce the anxiety towards sex and alter consciousness which definitely plays a major role in letting the person freely perform sex."

Peer-group pressure
To have a boyfriend or girlfriend is like a status symbol say experts. "So much of 'hanging around' at pubs, cafes and discos are happening. You need a girl in your arms when you walk in to a party," says Shilpa. There are children who have their reasons for absistence but sometimes they are counteracted upon in a very strong way by the friends and the peer group. "Friends often provide the means when a parent refuses," says Anju.

Proper education needed
Yes we all know sex education is provided in schools. Period. But with rampant teenage pregnancies it obviously is not enough. Shilpa says, "Talking openly about sex is still not common. Parents usually want some other organisation to do the sex-talk with their kids."

Effects on children
Seema says, "In the last five years I have seen the number rise rapidly. Around 50-75 per cent young girls and guys lose their virginity much before they are anywhere near adulthood. And this affects them mentally. When kids are in Std 5, they have crushes and before they are in college most lose their virginity. When such a relationship does not work out depression hits them. There are anxiety disorders, eating disorders and feelings of guilt that may ruin their childhood."

Expert advice for parents
A good relationship between parents may be important where both have similar parenting styles. Parents need to be role models and need to make their child see how important is love, affection, care and commitment in a relationship. They need to explain that sex is something precious to be shared with the person you love and not just an act of physical satisfaction.The emotional problems that come up with losing virginity at an early age and that come along with multiple partners needs to be explained to your child with a lot of patience. Children also need to understand that their parents are the one who they need to confide into. Also all information from friends and elsewhere needs to be confirmed as it may not always be true. Children also need to judge better for themselves what is right and wrong and what will be good for them in the future.

Advice for teenagers
-The only way you can guarantee that you won't catch a sexually transmitted disease and won't get pregnant is abstinence.
- No one can force you into it. 'If you loved me you'd do it', can be countered with a 'If you really loved me you would wait'.
- Saying a no to a person even if it is someone you have said a yes to earlier, is perfectly okay.
- Always keep in mind that despite what rumors and gossip may suggest, virgins are a majority in most high schools, not a minority.
- If you want to show someone how much you care intercourse is not the only way to go about it. Don't let others try to convince you otherwise.
- If you kiss someone passionately does not mean that you have to go on to having sex with them.

10 Surprising health benefits of sex

1. Sex Relieves Stress

A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction, according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal Biological Psychology. They studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic -- and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

Another study published in the same journal found that frequent intercourse was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure in cohabiting participants. Yet other research found a link between partner hugs and lower blood pressure in women.

2. Sex Boosts Immunity

Good sexual health may mean better physical health. Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., took samples of saliva, which contain IgA, from 112 college students who reported the frequency of sex they had.

Those in the "frequent" group -- once or twice a week -- had higher levels of IgA than those in the other three groups -- who reported being abstinent, having sex less than once a week, or having it very often, three or more times weekly.

3. Sex Burns Calories

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

"Sex is a great mode of exercise," says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.

4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health

While some older folks may worry that the efforts expended during sex could cause a stroke, that's not so, according to researchers from England. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

And the heart health benefits of sex don't end there. The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.

5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem

Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex, collected by University of Texas researchers and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

That finding makes sense to Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Mass., although she finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she tells WebMD. "Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

6. Sex Improves Intimacy

Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. Researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and the University of North Carolina evaluated 59 premenopausal women before and after warm contact with their husbands and partners ending with hugs. They found that the more contact, the higher the oxytocin levels.

"Oxytocin allows us to feel the urge to nurture and to bond," Britton says.

Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you're feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.

7. Sex Reduces Pain

As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.

In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.

8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk

Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International. When they followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without, they found no association of prostate cancer with the number of sexual partners as the men reached their 30s, 40s, and 50s.

But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.

Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.

9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles

For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.

10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better

The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.

And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure. Something to think about, especially if you've been wondering why your guy can be active one minute and snoring the next.

All women want is sex

Source: Times of India

Picture this: Champagne, candlelight, a man at the door who craves commitment. Does it sound like every woman's ultimate fantasy?

For ages the world has been trying hard to figure out what's going on in a woman's head? What does a woman want: the quintessential question? The answer: champagne, candlelight, a man at the door...most of the times. The stuff most women fantasize about.

It's not hard to understand actually...women do fantasize. A woman's fantasies are certainly not limited. All have their own peccadilloes. If your body hasn't been called "perky" since Gymboree, in fantasy you can give yourself permission to swing naked from a crystal chandelier. Here's another favourite: a rustic cabin in the woods, pink Champagne and Benicio Del Toro. The reality: a cramped studio in the city, Diet Snapple and a guy who hogs the remote. Don't get me wrong; I've got nothing against the keeper of my remote. It's just my fantasy and reality never find common ground. But we still continue to fantasize. And

yes, if it involves sex, it's all the better.

Nothing beats a good sex fantasy. Even researchers agree. Linda Wolfe a famous author studied a sample of 15,000 women aged 18-34 years, and less than three percent said they never fantasize. It was seen that females are more likely to prefer erotica with a "softer," more imaginative side than the "harder," more explicit forms preferred by males.

Dr. Nimish Seth, psychologist says: "There's no such thing as an inappropriate fantasy. A lesbian fantasy is not proof that you're gay; a dominatrix fantasy doesn't mean you ought to run right out and invest in a pair of leather pants. Whether you choose to explore your fantasies-however mild or wild they may be-is up to you. But by all means don't hesitate to let your imagination jump-start your body into a sexier sex life. Sometimes a girl needs a jolt of adventure-if only in her daydreams".

Types of sexual fantasies

Almost all sexual fantasies fall into one of the three general categories:

Sex with previous, imaginary, or celebrity partners

Sexual fantasies about submission and/or dominance

Unconventional sexual practices or settings

Nihal Seth, a young entrepreneur points out that "now sex fantasy is the safest, healthiest way to have more fun in bed." The occasional fantasy is to sexual pleasure what green chutney is to chicken tikka: that little something extra that elevates the delicious to the sublime!

The world is not perfect. We all know that. It's not always possible for us to get what we want. This is where fantasies help. Pooja Bedi, Bollywood actress, says that "every woman wants her man to be James Bond who holds the image of tall dark handsome and also has a kid within him. Women still fantasize with fairy tales".

Aarti (name changed), 24, a marketing manager admits, "I fantasize my husband tying me to the bed and spanking me, abusing me and playing hard on me. It makes me feel like a wild cat waiting to be controlled."

Think of your sexual fantasies as a reflection of who you are. Fantasies may supplant reality for some. Pragya goes as far as to describe, "I often imagine myself stuck with a stranger in a dingy room during a calamity. Finally we end up making wild love amidst all the rush and hurry. It excites me to the core."

Devyani Pandit, a PR professional, says: "Doing it in bed gets boring after some time and we can explore new avenues. Our upbringing also at times acts as mental blocks as we struggle with feeling okay about our desires". The good news is that everyone can have sexual fantasies; it's just that some of us need a little more inspiration than others.

So the next time your woman seems to be wandering off in thought, you'll know exactly what's on her mind!