How to please your in-laws this Diwali

Pleasing your mother-in-law is no piece of cake. And with the festive mood setting in, you could only imagine things getting worse. Diwali with your in-laws should be a good experience, you tell yourself. The festive season also gives you enough reason to bond with your in-laws, not just your husband’s parents. This Diwali, why not try spend some quality time with the entire jing bang and get into the good books of your parents-in-law? We show you how to please your in-laws in eight easy steps.

Diwali, Christmas, New Year... the festive season has only yet begun and we can already feel the excitement. The best part is it's contagious! iDiva promises you a month of everything festive. From festive wardrobes to make up and decor to recipes... even festive budgeting... we bring you all that and more this season. So if you haven't started making those mouth-watering sweets or shopping for festive clothes and gifts yet, we guarantee we have what it takes to get you to catch that Festive Fever!

Lend a hand: So what if you are not as religious as your mother-in-law? You can always lend a hand when she prepares for the big puja at home. This Diwali, ask her to relax and you do the groundwork. Clean up the puja area, keep the jewellery ready for the idol and shop for fruits, sweets and other stuff that you would need for the day. Be ready to feel blessed, literally.

Go shopping: Diwali is a time to rejoice and revel in grand festivities. It is also the perfect excuse to shop for the family. Take your parents-in-law out to buy something fancy– pick up a rich kanjeevaram for your mom-in-law and maybe a traditional kurta for your husband’s father. Considering his family is huge and close-knit, don’t forget to buy something small for the aunts, uncles and of course, the kids.

Enter the kitchen: If you are waiting to don the chef’s hat and want to flaunt your culinary skills, then there's no better time than Diwali! So get started with some mouth-watering mithais or snacks and show your mom-in-law you can cook. If you don’t have the recipe for that scrumptious Diwali sweet your mom used to make, then hurry up and call her. Wait for the family to shower you with compliments this festive season.

Arrange a house party: With hectic schedules, it has been quite a while since your husband got an opportunity to hang out with his family. Let him know that you would like to arrange a get-together at home. Call up his close relatives and invite them on Diwali night for a home-cooked dinner. Your in-laws will surely be happy and impressed.

Take a day off: Excuse yourself at work one day before Diwali. This way you can clean and do up the house and also spend some valuable time bonding with your mother-in-law. It also shows you are serious about helping her out with the festivities. Ask her what she needs to get done and then get cracking!

Open up: Do you take a little time to open up or find it tough to strike up a conversation in the presence of your in-laws? Well, there’s always a first time. At the family get-together, look for topics that could set the ball rolling. Topics such as travel, food or even property prices can be great starters. It’s not as difficult as it seems. After all, your parents-in-law do want you to be family.

Decorate the house: It’s Diwali time and a chance to clear the junk and make the house look spic and span for the family to hang out together. Go shopping for candles, lights and lamps to decorate your home. Add your personal touch with colour and accessories and see how your in-laws feel proud of you when the guests arrive.

Plan their vacation: If you really want to impress your parents-in-law this Diwali, pack them off to an undisclosed destination for a vacation. Plan the trip in such a way that they experience a hassle-free holiday. Assure them that everything has been taken care of and they need not worry about hotel bookings and car rentals. They'll be raving about it when they are back!

Myths about low sexual desire

There are lots of moments in life when you seem to be the only one craving for sex and your partner just doesn't seem interested enough. 

Most couples have faced this situation sometime or another in their sexual life even as the sex nosedives and vanishes for days/months and in worst case scenarios maybe even for years. Learning to recognise the symptoms behind a low sex drive helps to get out of the sticky situation. Here are the most common myths about your low sexual levels:

Myth 1: Too much stress leads to low sex drive 
Banker Rohit Khanna complained about high stress levels to his partner. "I was having a tough time with my boss in office. That affected my interest in sex, but Aradhana just wouldn't understand. We ended up fighting, with my wife accusing me that I just wasn't interested in her anymore and I was put off by the thought of indulging in sex with her. Finally, we both had to visit a counselor who helped us see the problem for what it was. It was also a time when I had begun to doubt my own sexual prowess. So yes, it was extremely traumatic."

Beat it: Psychologist Poornima Adhikari explains, "Couples often go through high and low phases in their sexual desires. It could be triggered off by anything and stress is most often one of the major reasons for a lack luster sexual life. The hectic lifestyle of today bears ugly aftermaths and thus couples must figure out ways to de-stress. They should look into common areas of interest that help them bond and find happiness together. And talking about your problems is a great way of lowering high stress levels. So communicate, take out time even if it's just 10 minutes every day to talk about things that are troubling you."

Myth 2: Women's low libido are governed by her hormones 
Shraddha Singh, a hotel executive reveals that men often believe that hormones regulate a woman's intrinsic moods and desires. "Anand, my husband always fought with me when I told him that I just didn't want to have sex today. He inevitably blamed it on my hormonal levels, saying that women were victims of their hormones. But that's such a huge misconception. Our hormones are just like our male counterparts too." She adds, "Often, a low libido is caused by eating habits, fatigue, not enough sleep and many more physiological factors. Also it's about our mental health."

Beat it: Adhikari points out that low sex drive in women often stems from how they feel about themselves and how they view their relationship with their partner. So when women complain about a low sex drive, their partners need to make them feel good about themselves. Couples need to sit together and work out how on to improve their existing relationship. The woman must be going through some kind of complex feelings that need to be detangled to take the relationship forward at a physical level. 

Myth 3: Medications help to boost low sex drive 
According to Dr Swaroop Pandit, Anshuman Hospital, a dip in sexual levels is often caused by circumstances men/women face which causes physiological and psychological changes in the body. "Often patients seek an immediate solution but it takes time to make them realise that there isn't any immediate cure. It's better if they could see it very objectively rather then losing sleep over it. It's important to realise that medications can sometimes have just the opposite effect. So, what is important is to seek out the root of the problem, whether it's physical, psychological or any other. That is half the fight done."

Beat it: Psychoanalyst Sushant Chauhan points out, "Medication should always be kept as the last option. Patients can often be cured by simply addressing their problems. And more than men, its women today who complain about their low sex drive. There are women who are traumatised by the balancing act that they have to deliver everyday by looking into both their professional and personal lives, so at times they almost give sex a miss. Women also get involved with their children once they become mothers so it takes a while to get back their normal drive. What it requires is some patience, a lot of love and time. These factors can go a long way to cure the fears and inhibitions you have."

Myth 4: Sexual drive works in isolation to our body Business analyst Deepak Sharma experienced a phase of low libido. Stricken by panic attacks and running to and fro between seeing doctors and meeting deadlines worsened the case. A chain smoker, his smoking consequently saw a heady increase. "I was totally losing control. I was embarrassed to talk about my low libido with my peers and I just didn't know what was happening to me. Some said I should visit a doctor, some said I should try out herbal medication. I was just not in a position to realise what was causing it. I began to drink steadily along with smoking, often going without meals. And all the time I was thinking how everyone saw me as this loser," confesses Sharma.

Beat it: "This is definitely a cause and effect situation. Men are known to give their sexual drive a lot of importance, so it's very natural for them to react in this manner. Men, in India are a shy lot and very rarely come out to address problems until they are pushed by their partners or family members. Firstly, be clear that it doesn't matter that you are experiencing a low libido level. However, once you face such a predicament, do not aggravate the problem by smoking and so on. It is a fact that smoking can cause impotency, but many people still do not view this as a major problem. So if you are a smoker, kick the habit. If you drink too often, start counting your drinks. Reshuffling your lifestyle, taking a holiday, pursuing interesting hobbies often leads to reinstating your drive," says Chauhan.

Myth 5: High sexual life is equivalent to a good emotional intimacy 
Quite often we are taken over by a secure emotional intensity that we share with our partner. And we take that as a guarantee for a fulfilling sex life. Like Shweta Trikha, a struggling model, reveals, "I found a lot of emotional succor from my partner, especially because of the competitiveness that pervaded my work life. He made me feel like we are best friends and nothing could be better then this. But our sexual life was losing its zing. And I didn't know how to get it back on track. Despite drawing so much security from each other, we saw that we were losing steam in bed. That was the time when I hit the alarm bell."

Beat it: Adhikari explains, "Couples often experience moments when everything is going right for them emotionally, except that they are unable to feel a sexual desire for each other. So, instead of getting overwhelmed, go easy. A way out is not to think about having sex and scoring highly in the act. Instead start by just being playful. Forget about doing anything that is normal; instead think of ways to make yourself feel sexy and desired by your beau. The best solution is to feel desired for desire to take precedence in your love life."

Myth 6: If your partner wants to have sex and you don't, then you can make up by showing love in other ways
Confesses college-goer Amit Nagpal, "I faced this problem with my girlfriend. We would often have these dry spells where we didn't touch each other for months even as my girl craved it. I would try to make up for my low sex drive by showering her with gifts, telling her how much I loved her almost all the time. But there was no satisfying her. She complained about not kissing, hugging and I just couldn't explain that I didn't feel like getting physically intimate. Finally there came a time when I decided to give her a break."

Beat it: "This is a problem that is very common, but never understood. Every couple shares a different chemistry, but it is important to touch and feel each other. Especially for married couples, because even if you try to show your love in other ways, it can't compensate for lack of physical closeness. The physical aspect is more important and can't t be replaced by any other act. So it's best to say that you are facing a problem, instead of trying to hide it by resorting to other means to display love," explains Chauhan.

Myth 7: Low libido makes you less desirable 
This is a prevalent misconception that can scar the psyche of a person permanently. Fashion designer Sonal Lal, says," I was engaged to be married, but during our courtship period, I just couldn't do get physical with my fiance. Every time he suggested sex, I refused his overtures as I was unable to feel any physical longing for him. This went on till he broke off the engagement complaining that I was cold and frigid and undesirable. The experience hurt so much that I kept away from men for a long time post my broken engagement. And whenever anyone tried to cosy up with me, I shied away being afraid of being rejected all over again."

Beat It: Explains Chauhan that no individual has the right to abuse their partner who may be facing these problems. "Yes, it happens that we might not feel attracted to the person we have planned to marry. It's important to question the basis of your relationship with your prospective partner then, rather then taking the blame on yourself. As discussed, there could be problems beyond the periphery of normal understanding. And desire stems from feeling good about yourself. First develop a positive image about yourself," adds Chauhan.

Myth 8: Sex is the only thing in a relationship 
Gautam Nirula, a sales executive says, "I was always told by my friends that a relationship is based on sex. Thus, when I got married, I concentrated on that. However what I failed to understand was that sex depends on a lot of factors. I always wanted sex and my wife kept on refusing me. And instead of understanding her predicament, I remained angry with her. This resulted in a distance between the two of us. Only when elders interfered and counselled me, I realized what was going wrong. Today; I feel that emotional compatibility, trust and faith in each other make the foundation on which great sex is built."

Beat it: Explains Adhikari, "Married couples need to go beyond sex to get it right in bed. If you harbour anger or resentment about your partner you can't enjoy a gratifying sexual life. Often it's the emotional closeness that is most required. When couples come to me I advise them not to think about their physical needs. Instead they are advised to look out for the things they like/love about each other. And develop their bond from there onwards. They need to concentrate on the positives than seeing the negatives. This helps them to get your passion back. 

Seven signs your partner is cheating

Adultery is quite commonplace amongst modern couples, and with the internet and mobile phones it’s easier than ever for an unfaithful partner to conceal their whereabouts. While your cheating other half may try to hide his mistress, being unfaithful requires a lot of attention to detail that escapes many men. Those who aren’t careful enough leave plenty of clues or behave oddly to try to cover their actions. If you suspect your beloved might be doing the dirty, read on for the seven main signs that will confirm your suspicions:

1.  He starts to lose weight and buy new clothes
If your typically dishevelled significant other begins a new vigorous exercise regime and dresses better, he either has a renewed outlook on vanity or he’s being unfaithful. “If a man takes a new interest in wardrobe, hair, nails, skin, he might be trying to attract the attention of a woman (or man),” says psychologist Stephanie Buehler. New suits, shoes and cologne are clues that he may be playing away.

2.  Less sex
“If he's not interested in sex with you, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere,” says psychotherapist Dr. Tina Tessina, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media, £8.99). Another indicator that he may be unfaithful is if he’s trying new adventurous moves on you in the bedroom. Perhaps he’s getting extra practice and special tutoring in another woman’s boudoir.

3.  He disappears for long periods of timeStay aware of his changes in habits. Danine Manette, author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity (Square One Publishers, £8.99) says, “He’s most likely cheating if he begins leaving earlier for work, staying later, taking longer or going more often.” Also pay attention to how much time he spends away from home for extracurricular activities. “Be forewarned if outside activities become more frequent and tend to last longer than before,” Manette adds. Lastly, be extra suspicious if he is unreachable when he is away from home. “If he says he's working late, but doesn't pick up his phone or read his texts, that's a bad sign,” says Dr. Buehler.

4.  Unexplained credit card bills or expensesEven if your partner is not buying gifts and hotel stays for his new lady friend, you may notice charges for fancy late-night meals. “Unidentifiable charges on his credit card are often the clue that catches him,” says Dr. Tessina. Study his bills and receipts and make sure all his stories match. If he says he went for a run and you see a charge for an expensive dinner, you’ve caught him red-handed.

5.  You can’t access his computer or his mobile phone
Investigate further if he suddenly changes his passwords, erases his web history, or hides his mobile phone. Why? “Today, many people who are having affairs are found out by their mobile phone records, which will typically have numerous calls to the same person,” says family therapist Donna Tonrey. “Also, email and internet records often are a give-away as to what is happening.” If he’s masking his actions he'll do his best to change all his log-in details and PIN codes, it's a suggestion that your beloved is being disloyal.

6.  Changes in his attitude towards you
Your once lovable partner now picks fights with you and criticises the way you look, cook, or dress. He may be looking for ways to get out of the relationship, or, “he may be comparing you to the new girl,” maintains Manette. Conversely, it’s also cause for concern if he is abnormally sweet and caring towards you. Those lovely dozen roses every week signal that either he feels guilty about his transgressions, or is thankful you haven’t figured him out yet.

7.  Your female instinctEven with all these telltale indicators, no sign is more revealing than the feeling in your gut. Manette says, “You know your partner better than anyone else and you will be the first to notice changes in behaviour (working out more, more irritable than usual, increased/decreased sexual appetite), changes in schedule (travelling more, spending more time away, etc), and changes in the way he interacts with you in general,” she explains. “Most women report that in retrospect they saw the signs but either ignored them or explained them away." Instead of disregarding the warnings, open a line of communication with your partner about your feelings.

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