Stepmom? So what!

Being a stepmom is not easy. It is one of the most difficult relationships that a woman may have to nurture. Our society has always portrayed stepmother as the evil woman. It's natural for children to feel the same and not feel comfortable being around their stepmom. So, it is upto her you make the children comfortable. Here are some tips to make an entry into your new family without feeling like a stranger:

Be a communicator from Day one: Once you know that you are about to enter another family, start communicating with your new children from the beginning. There might be some things that your stepchildren might need clarification about. Talk to them. You should ask your husband to help you out with this. Do your research and know what is it that your stepchildren like and dislike. Take them out for a coffee, and talk to them like you would to a friend. You could even join them at an activity which they are interested in, but make sure they permit you to do the same.

Don't be too eager: Remember that no child, be it adult or young, can give their stepmother the place of his/her mother at first. It takes time. So it is best for you to respect that. Don't pester them to call you mom or behave like a stern mother chalking down rules for them.

You are not their Mom yet: Let your husband take major decisions where the children are concerned. Your husband does know them better and you should accept that sportingly.

Know your limits: Your stepchild is not someone you know for many years, so they may not want to share detail with you. Respect their privacy. Do not intrude, it's likely to make things uncomfortable for everyone.

Don't be a pushover: You don't have to be extra nice to your kids to establish a good rapport with them. Don't give in to unusual demands. Follow the rules that have been set over the years.

Cut out the complaints: If you keep complaining about them to your husband, it's likely to affect your relationship adversely. Make sure you don't fake being nice to them, and actually bitch behind their back.

Think multitasking saves you time? Think again

Dr.Edward T. Creagan, M.D. - Rejuvenate

A short while ago, I was invited to speak before a professional audience. As happens on occasion, one or two colleagues came up to the stage and asked if they could have my presentation on a USB flash drive. Of course I agreed. The procedure to do this is somewhat complicated and requires some focus on my part.

As I was trying to accommodate this request, another colleague came up to me and asked some very complicated questions. When my computer nearly melted down, I realized that I couldn't simultaneously complete the task and respond to questions. I then had to spend precious time dealing with the technical tsunami I'd created for myself.

Let me give you another example of why staying focused is so vital. A week or so ago, my wife and I had blocked out several hours on our calendars to pack and prepare for a trip. Despite that, we both accepted a number of other commitments for this time. We became distracted. We lost focus and energy and, as a result, we failed to follow some basic rules of travel, such as making sure we had our passports, confirming flight times, and so on. As you can imagine, our trip was punctuated by a number of misadventures.

These experiences served to remind me of the importance of protecting my time so that I can focus on the task at hand. Some lessons take repeating, I guess. Can anyone relate?

Effective

Baby at any cost

I only wanted to be a mother...

These poignant lines have been penned by a friend devastated by the recent death of her best friend, who at 39, and desperate to have her own baby, succumbed to complications arising out of a difficult pregnancy.

From freezing eggs and dialling for donor eggs to renting a womb and cashing in sperms from the sperm bank, there's an array of baby shopping choices that almost ensures that no woman has to ever go childless again. Unless, of course, the decision not to have one is solely hers.

So if you think you've missed the baby bus because you couldn't conceive naturally, or you let your biological clock merrily tick away, or maybe you've been on the shelf, and don't feel motivated enough to go male hunting, or you're simply unwilling to be in confinement for nine long months, worry not. Thanks to medical technology, a baby will still be delivered whenever you're ready.

But should a woman's very maternal desire to have a child be allowed to override all other concerns, including the fact that her health and even life might be endangered if she were to proceed with it? And is being a mother the most abiding definition of womanhood?

Eminent IVF specialist and fertility expert Dr Firuza Parikh says, "Being childless is still one of the biggest inadequacies that a couple may feel. The commonest phrase that I hear from women dealing with infertility is, 'Doctor, I feel incomplete and worthless!' There are very few couples who opt to be childless by choice. If you probe their voluntary childlessness, there may be coercion on the part of one partner." She continues, "I recall the sad state of a young girl who had to tell everybody that she detested children and hence did not want to conceive. The truth was that her husband was infertile. However, because of family circumstances they had to pretend to not want children."

Prerna, an IT professional in her late 30s, went through endless IVF cycles and corrections to help her conceive a child only to be told by the doctors that they'd tried everything in their armoury, and it would be best if she went for adoption or opt for motherhood with donor eggs. Initially, this verdict broke her. But a year and several counselling sessions later, they opted for adoption, and today, both parents insist that it couldn't have ended more beautifully than this.

But examples like Prerna are few and far between. Most women will flit from one doctor to another when told that theirs might be a hopeless case, or that a pregnancy might be life-threatening. Unfortunately, and invariably, someone in the lure of money or a misplaced sense of confidence in their own competence will accept such cases. Says Dr Nayana Patel of Akanksha Fertility Clinic, Anand (Gujarat), who's been featured on Oprah and CNN, "The instinct of procreating and motherhood is a very strong one. I'd like to give every woman a shot at motherhood, but in cases where I feel it endangers her life, or there's risk of a major complication, I usually draw a line, though someone else may quite willingly take up the case."

How does one convince women who fail to have their own biological offspring that they're no less a woman for not being a biological mother, and that being a mother is certainly not the be-all and end-all of womanhood? "When a woman comes to the end of the road, it is very important to let her know that she has not failed, but it is the treatment that has failed. It is important that she feels loved and emotionally involved with her near and dear ones. Getting back to her job and hobbies is very important. Sometimes adoption, donor eggs or surrogacy can be tried to fill this void," says Dr Firuza. However, as Dr Nayana says, "Some women refuse the surrogacy route because they want to be both biological as well as gestational mothers."

Like 34-year-old Heena Sondhi, who refuses to consider surrogacy or adoption options despite having gone through three miscarriages, with the last being near-fatal. "I want to experience motherhood. No 'weird' alternatives like surrogacy for me."

"Yearning for motherhood is very natural and normal, but there are times when a balance must be struck between one's desires and ground realities," advises Dr Nayana.

Because sometimes it's a matter of life and death, not a happy birth.

I am writing this for all those women like me who would go to any lengths to be a mother, knowing little what it can take away from them. My obsession to have a child has left my mother childless today! 

Adoptions on rise - and many want a girl!

Source: Times of India

Winds of change are sweeping through urban India, a country traditionally known for its male preference. Many city-dwellers who don't have children of their own are opting for adoption, particularly of girls 

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Such is the enthusiasm that the waiting period to adopt a girl is as much as it is for a boy, unlike in the past when most couples wanted a boy, says a spokesperson of the Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA), a wing of the ministry of women and child development.

"The mindset of people is changing, especially young people who don't have a gender bias. There are many socio-economic reasons for adopting a child - late marriage, risk of bearing children at an older age, or simply not being able to conceive," said Sandip Kusalkar, public relations coordinator at Snehalaya, an NGO based in Ahmednagar, Maharashtra.

"Here we see young-educated couples from cities opting for a girl child whereas rural couples still prefer boys," he added.

The adoption rate in general has gone up.

According to CARA, in 2010, the total number of kids adopted in India were 6,286 - the figure includes inter-country adoptions (by NRIs or foreigners) - compared to 2,518 in 2009. This clearly shows that within a decade there has been a nearly 40 percent increase in the adoption rate.

It used to be common for people to want a son to carry forward the family name, but not any more, says Delhi-based Nirbhay Sharma, who adopted a one-year-old girl in 2009.

"There is more focus on achievement. Your legacy goes beyond the name and is more driven by the impact that you create. There is more focus on what you have done. And family heritage is determined more by the culture and upbringing of the child, irrespective of a boy or a girl," said Sharma.

"So we never thought about such aspects, but we knew we wanted a girl. And it just happened that when my wife and I first saw this little girl in the adoption centre, she crawled towards us and we knew, she was the one," he added.

Their daughter Swati, whom they adopted in 2009, is now three years old.

According to a report, about 600 children were adopted in one year from Delhi-based Palna, a home for abandoned, homeless and destitute children, and about 65 per cent of them were girls.

Adoptions come under the Hindu Adoption and Maintenance Act of 1956. Under this act, a single parent or married couple is not permitted to adopt more than one child of the same sex.

But Bollywood actress Sushmita Sen is an exception -- she is not only a single mother, but has adopted two girls - Renne and Alisah and has proved to be a caring parent, despite her hectic schedules.

There are certain rules that one has to keep in mind before adopting.

A person wishing to adopt a child should be at least 21 years old. While a single woman can adopt a child, a single male is usually not eligible. An exception in this case is choreographer Sandip Soparrkar, who adopted a baby boy.

And last, but not the least, a single man can only adopt a male child and not a female.

Pune-based Ajay Edlabadkar and his wife Meera are one such couple who adopted a girl, Kripa, a year back just because they always wanted one.

"We never wanted a boy. And when we decided to adopt a child, we knew it had to be a girl. So we got in touch with an adoption centre and then they did some background checking and all, but things were smooth and fine," said Ajay.

Ajay also feels the choice was obvious because a girl is always more "mature" than a boy.

"There is no denying that girls are more mature and understanding than boys. As a parent one always wants to have warmth and love around and a girl or, say, a woman always scores on this front," he said.

The process of adoption is no longer tedious, but patience is a must.

"Once a person comes to us for adoption, they have to give in certain specifications like age, gender, so that we can find a suitable match. And once done, the child is shown to prospective parents," said Kusalkar.